Working remotely is one glamorous gig, folks. For example, you can decide at 2 pm that it’d be nice if you made brownies to feed your husband when he gets home tonight.
You may say to yourself, “I’ll MULTI-TASK and mix the brownie batter at my desk while reading liveblogs of the Apple iPhone 4S birthing ceremony! That will be a productive use of the time required for the oven to preheat!” If you are especially lonely, you will say this out loud, telling yourself you are talking to a cat, when really you are just happy to hear a human voice in the air.
All this works out fine until you realize the oven’s been preheated for 10 minutes and you’ve eaten enough raw brownie batter -- in defiance of the italicized DO NOT EAT RAW BROWNIE BATTER warning on the box, which may as well say EAT AS MUCH RAW BROWNIE BATTER AS POSSIBLE -- such that actual cooked brownies no longer sound appetizing.
(If you’re waiting for me to make some apology for the brownie batter consumption, like “Oh, I’m so terrible, I know!” or “I’ll need 20 more minutes on the elliptical to pay for this!” you’re out of luck. No such self-recrimination is forthcoming, because I ain’t sorry.)
I was an early iPhone adopter, though it was by happenstance and not by design. I actually won a first-gen model in a random drawing at a prior job. I was not real happy with said job at the time, so when I received an employee satisfaction survey, I was all too pleased to vent my spleen upon it. Imagine my surprise when my angst-ridden participation resulted in my winning the coveted iPhone.
I am not overstating matters when I say that iPhone changed my life. I’m a computer nerd from way back -- I started on a Tandy 1000 in 1986, and was exploring what we then called “the World Wide Web” when it was mostly populated by tech geeks and the extremely socially awkward.
All my jokes about the loneliness of the long-distance telecommuter notwithstanding, I am actually very well suited to long days with only the glow of a monitor for company. For most of my childhood and adolescence, I considered computers to be my friends, anthropomorphizing them with their own names and personalities, and using them as my primary source of social interaction. (I realize this makes me sounds like a giant freak, but as I have said before, I have a rich inner life.)
So really I was longing for an iPhone even before it existed, and when I got one, I could not get enough of it. The whole Internet, in my hand! The massive timesuck potential of iPhone games! The ability to never lose another argument, ever again, because I have IMDB at my fingertips! (What percentage of all arguments are resolved by IMDB, I wonder?)
Yesterday saw the reveal of the newest iPhone, which they’re calling the 4S. The new version comes with a quicker processor, an 8MP camera (that beats the resolution of my old Nikon DSLR!) and the ability to shoot 1080p HD video. It’s faster, it's stronger, it slices, it dices, it paints the whole house in a day.
And that’s not all. In case you were worried that your phone was not becoming sentient quickly enough to band together with other phones and destroy humanity in our lifetimes, then GOOD NEWS: The iPhone 4S is helping that process along. This new model will come with a feature called Siri. What’s Siri? Oh, just an intelligent personal assistant who happens to live in your phone.
You can ask Siri almost anything, and Siri will provide. Want to know if you should bring an umbrella today? Siri knows. Looking for a definition of “portmanteau”? Siri will tell you. Too lazy to lift your phone from your pocket to check a text message? Siri will read it to you.
No word yet on whether Siri will talk you out of drunken 3 am voicemails to your ex, or encourage you to splurge on a fabulous pair of boots instead of putting that money toward your student loan, but we live in hope.
Seeing as I’m due for an upgrade, I’ll be angling to be among the first to be assimilated acquire one of these new iPhones on October 14. How about you? Are you preparing to welcome our new inorganic overlords, or are you among the stalwart resistance, who will save the human race from certain doom?
My iPhone wants to know how many of you -- both the enthusiasts and the opposition -- are out there, because it’s planning a delicious pancake breakfast for all of us to enjoy together. At least that’s what it told me, and I can't imagine why it would lie about that.