The other day a friend of mine was impatiently checking her friend's social media to see if he had posted -- since he was currently running late in texting her confirmation details on getting together.
"There has to be a name for that," I said. "Facebook stalking? Twitter due diligence? Online-oia? You know, like paranoia someone might be online when they're supposed to be getting back to you."
Ping! My friend got a text just then, and immediately looked thrilled. Which leads to another question: What would that specific sense of elation be called? A textgasm?
I went to Urban Dictionary to see if I could find some definitions. I didn't -- so onlineoia and textgasm, as weak as they may be -- will have to suffice for now. I did find these 10 defined acts which are very modern, though, and I identified with way too much.
1. Gloatgramming: It's hard to top humblebrag as a term, but I do enjoy "gloatgram" for its simplicity. Also, as someone who has had more than one person text me saying, "Send me the picture you took of me ASAP so I can Instagram it!!!" See also: The TV show "Rich Kids of Instagram." I think it's pretty spot-on.
2: Premature articulation: It may not sound tech-y, but the idea is that you brag on a status update -- or you change, say, a relationship status -- when it's really too soon to say. My favorite experience with this was seeing a friend who had just started casually hanging out with a guy and was alerted that he thought it was way more serious than she did by the fact that he changed his status to "in a relationship." She wrote him a direct message saying, "Congrats, who with?" "You," he said. Oh.
3. "Do it for the, Vine!": Urged to go into a convenience store and drop your pants for no good reason other than the resulting 6-second video? Yeah, that would be doing it for the Vine. I do have to say though, it doesn't sound like the worst reason in the world. I think that says more about me here than anything else.
4. Friendscaping: Oh, the curation of the friends list. You delete the person who doesn't come through for you, you do a hopeful add for the person you want to get to know better. Or, when some news event goes down, some people friendscape after seeing a ton of Chic-fil-A rants, or as I heard some people did recently, anything related to Woody Allen.
5. Netflixia: I have Netflixia pretty damned bad, honestly. It's when you just let the stream play instead of watching one episode like a normal human being would. I've gotten Netflixia really bad with "The Following," "The LA Complex," and "24" recently. Oh, and "Sherlock," too.
6. Crosstext: That would be when you accidentally send a text to someone you meant for another person you are manically texting with simultaneously. My favorite is when you do a screengrab of the guy you like and are chatting with and he says something cute you want to send to your girlfriend -- and then accidentally send it to the guy instead. Then you get to come up with some awkwardly justifying ha-ha-I-totally-meant-to-do-that followup like, "Look how funny we are!"
7. Textlationship: This is the scourge of the modern day, I believe. Lately I'm trying to stamp them out if they don't correlate to an actual IRL relationship. I mean, what's the point? I think some guys specifically love to have multiple textlationships going on at once because it's fun to have that buzz that comes from it. Many women, too, but I personally have no interest in being anyone's Secret Text Lover.
8. Anti-stalking: I love the idea of this one. While I suppose it's the least tech-y of all of these since you can figure out someone's habits and lunch spots -- and then actively avoid them, I think it's definitely enhanced by shared office schedules, FourSquare and the like. Haven't seen someone in a while? Don't worry, they're just anti-stalking you.
9. Craigslist bodyguard: This would be the person you take with on any and all Craigslist adventures to protect yourself against the rando element.
10. Lonelybooking: Who is that friend constantly updating their status, crying out into the darkness looking for feedbacks, likes, anything? That person is merely busy Lonelybooking.
To be alive today is to be addicted to technology, and that's perfectly all right.
I mean, we've all Lonelybooked at one point or another.
Have you done any of these things? Do you think these hamfisted names are totally idiotic? Have you coined any terms of your own that are uniquely zeitgeisty in their application? Also, how do you feel about the whole textlationship thing? Am I the only person who this bugs a lot?
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.