If I added up the time I spend watching football, researching players, and writing weekly fantasy recaps for my league, it would probably be at least a part-time job.
I am writing in response to your tweet asking for volunteers to wash your clothing. First of all, let me say that I completely understand your desire to not do laundry. Chores are boring and a time-suck. I won’t get into my weird desire to do my own laundry because I’m a complete control freak and am certain that if I put my clothing into the hands of someone else s/he will totally forget to hang dry my Hanky Panky thongs and favorite lacy bras. [Editorial note to self: If you’re going to say you’re not going to get into something, you probably shouldn’t then spend an entire paragraph talking about your undies. Just sayin’.]
Anyway, Kareem, enough about me (not really), let’s talk about you (and also me). You have a dilemma (dirty clothes) and you reached out to Twitter to find someone who wanted to solve said dilemma. Presumably, for free. Because who wouldn’t want to come do your laundry for free, Kareem? (Apparently all 2503 of your followers since, as a quick twitter search showed, you got zero replies to your request.)
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Kareem, but someone needs to let you know: we don’t actually use Twitter, or any social media forum for that matter, to ask people to do the things in life that we hate doing, but that we have to do anyway. And if we do, we offer to pay them cash money.
I know this might be confusing to you, since you’re probably somewhat used to getting what you want since you’re a fancy football player, but just imagine, for a second, that it were okay to just ask strangers to do all of the annoying little things we have to do in a day. For example, my Twitter feed would look something like this:
7:45 a.m. Who wants to wipe my my bum? And also my vagina? Front to back, please and always!
8:30 a.m. Who want to blow dry my hair?
9:30 a.m. Who wants to respond to all of these work emails?
10:30 a.m. Who wants to fetch me another cup of tea?
11:30 a.m. No seriously: work emails? Anyone?
12:30 p.m. Who wants to pick all of the onions off of my sandwich?
3:30 p.m. Who wants to answer this phone call from my mother?
5:30 p.m. Who wants to give me a piggy-back ride home?
7:00 p.m. Who wants to cook me dinner and pour me lots of wine?
9:00 p.m. Who wants to balance my checkbook? (Just kidding, Kareem. I don't balance my checkbook.)
10:30 p.m. Who wants to brush my teeth and wash my face?
10:35 p.m. Who wants to write a check to my cleaning lady for me? (See what I did there, Kareem? SEE?)
11:00 p.m. Who wants to have sex with my boyfriend?
11:03 p.m. Who wants to….Kidding, Boyfriend. KIDDING.
But enough about me, Kareem, let's talk about you and your laundry dilemma. In your instance, I see a few possible solutions.
1. Wash and Fold. Yes, Kareem, you can actually take your laundry to a place where they will wash it—AND fold it!—for you. Even better, some of these places will pick it up and deliver it back to you. It’s basically just like ordering pizza, except less fattening and delicious.
2. Hire a housekeeper. This isn’t an option for everyone, but I just looked up your salary, Kareem, and I think considering you have a 5-year $13.1 million dollar contract with the Houstan Texans, you can probably afford a little help.
3. Buy new stuff. I think that people who care about the Earth will probably yell at me for suggesting this since it’s kind of wasteful, but I’m not going to lie and pretend like there hasn’t been a time in my life where I went out and bought new underwear because I just couldn’t bring myself to do laundry. It happens to the best of us, Kareem; there's no need to be ashamed.
Good luck Kareem! May your whites stay bright and your darks never fade.
Kareem Jackson is a cornerback for the Houston Texans. A few months ago he live-tweeted his first cockfight during a vacation in the Dominican Republic. Then he deleted it. Follow him on Twitter, especially if you like to do housework for free.