Did you hear the news? Didya didya didya? The NFL Lockout is finally over! That’s right, my friends: After an agonizing 4½ months, the NFL players and owners were finally able to come to an agreement. And do you know what THAT means? That means that come September, I’ll get to take part in the most wonderful experience of all time: going to a baseball (Giants!) and football (Niners!) game ALL IN THE SAME WEEKEND. [Insert squeals of delight and more exclamation points here!!!]
Clearly, this calls for a celebration. And since downing a bottle of champagne before noon is frowned upon (unless it’s Saturday or Sunday, in which case, it’s suddenly encouraged), I’ve decided to share a secret with you. A very sacred, very honest, very important secret.
You see, I watch football and baseball for the game. The challenge, the skill, the drama, the intensity, the blahblahblah you get it. But there’s another reason to tune in. A reason that’s so obvious and yet, for reasons that elude me, never acknowledged.
I think you know it. And I know it. So I’m just going to go ahead and say it.
The NFL and MLB mascots? Serious eye candy, people. Jaw-dropping, drool-worthy, heartthrob material at its finest. And in honor of that time of year when both sports are played simultaneously, where you can see mascots from both leagues in the same week, I've decided to share with you my own personal list of:
The Sexiest Mascots of the NFL and MLB
5. Sourdough Sam
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Occupation: Gold miner
With those bright blue eyes and five o’ clock shadow, Sourdough Sam looks like he could mine the way into any girl’s heart. Plus, you know what Sam is? He’s the mascot for the five-time Super Bowl Champion 49ers. And you know what people love? A WINNER.
Plus, I really dig the work gloves/bandana-around-the neck look he has going on. Like when I ask him to rake the backyard (which, for the purpose of this fantasy is something I now have), clean the gutters (see previous parenthesis) and build me a house (I probably should have started this list in reverse order), he'll happily agree. In fact, I probably won't even have to ask him because it's just something he'll want to do.
BONUS: As a gold digger himself, he totally won’t judge me for being one also!
4. The Swinging Friar
Team: San Diego Padres
Ever since I saw Friar Tuck in the Disney version of “Robin Hood,” I’ve had a thing for guys in roped and hooded cloaks. The fact that this one is also adorably pudgy and balding and can't help but be in a constant good mood makes him even hotter. Plus, friars are off-limits which makes him even more appealing. I love a good challenge!
More than anything though, I think he’s sexy in a “He’d be super fun to drink a lot of beer with on a Saturday afternoon" kind of way. Also, that whole “swinging” thing has me intrigued. Sure, they say it’s in reference to baseball, but is it really?
And while my mother always tells me, “It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor man,” (Seriously, that's something she actually says), I always seem to fall for the ones who are broke.
Of course, first things first: I’ve GOT to get him out of those man sandals.
3. Captain Fear
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Right. Because I even have to explain this one? Um, hi. He’s a pirate. A talk, dark, and handsome pirate with blue eyes and a full beard. A rugged pirate. Lost at sea for weeks on end? No problem. I feel certain Captain Fear and I could find endless ways to pass the day. (What, you perv? I meant fishing and making fancy rum drinks.)
Also, do you SEE the size of that sword? Shiver me timbers.
2. Bernie Brewer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Occupation: Beer-Drinking Brewers Fan (as best I can tell)
Normally I don’t go for blonds, but Bernie’s mustache is so amazing that there’s no way I could leave him off of this list. I mean, sure my love of mustaches likely stems from a long list of daddy issues, but hello! Give me a luscious 70s-inspired mustache and I’ll give you, well: Me.
It does seem that Bernie might be a bit dense and maybe a little too cheerful, but ultimately I don't care because, again, I'm obsessed with his mustache. Plus, sometimes it’s nice to just be around someone who’s, well, nice. And Bernie seems like he’s that guy.
It also helps that in years past, after every Brewers' home run, Bernie plunged himself into a huge beer mug. If I close my eyes, I can just imagine the taste of his beer-soaked mustache during a passionate post-game kiss.
1. Steely McBeam
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Occupation: Steel worker
When I look into Steely McBeam’s piercing blue eyes, I see a man who is stoic, yet passionate. A man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it. A man with rough hands, rough stubble and rough habits in the bedroom.
Steely McBeam pulls your hair, but never pushes your buttons. He’s dedicated to his work, but is always home for dinner. He’s a man of few words, but many ideas. When he speaks, he’s sincere, blunt and completely honest. Yes, he’s a bit gruff, but he’s unfailingly loyal and never lets you down.
Steely McBeam probably loves his mother, which is kind of gross, but also something I’m supposed to think is good for guys to do..
And finally, just take a moment to imagine that strong jaw and those perfectly straight teeth ripping through the flesh of an enormous juicy steak fresh off the grill.
There you have it. My favorite (and sexiest) mascots. Put 'em in your spank bank! Then, let me know in the comments which mascot makes you root harder and louder.
(Oh, and for those of you wondering why I didn’t include any animal mascots on the list? That’s because I'm not into bestiality. And, frankly, you're kind of sick for even wondering that. Just sayin'.)