I Exercise So You Don't Have To (Because That's Totally How It Works)

Trying new things can be scary and intimidating, so I tested four workouts so you wouldn't have to. And then I drank.

Jun 21, 2011 at 3:02pm | Leave a comment

A few weeks ago, I told you how my spin instructor quit on me and how I was basically going to cry myself to sleep in a bed of Snickers’ wrappers because what’s the point of exercising if it’s not with Tom?

Well, it turns out that in the last year or so, I found out that I actually feel better and am way calmer and less stressed out when I do something physical. I know, so gross, but also so true. I’m not exercising to lose weight or anything (in fact, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been—yay!) but rather just to stay sane.

So I set out to find a replacement for Tom even though I knew I was still in the rebound phase of our relationship and that I was destined to make some bad choices. Starting with…

1. TRX BODY BLAST

I’d never heard of TRX until I got this text from my workout partner in crime, Meredith.

Meredith: So, at dinner discussing Tom, a gay dude told me Charles from TRX training has a huge package, so I signed up for his class Sunday. Wanna go?

Daisy: What is TRX training?

M: You swing on ropes!!

D: I’m so confused. Is his penis the rope?

M: Hot…hmmm? I think dudes are actually super into this TRX thing.

D: Can we get mimosas after?

M: Yes.

WHAT IT IS: While I cannot report on the size of Charles’ package (what a dumb euphemism, by the way. Does the UPS man deliver it? Can I unwrap it?  Is there jewelry inside of it?  No, no, and, oh-so sadly: no.), I can tell you that, despite Meredith’s description, TRX has nothing to do with swinging on ropes. 

It’s actually suspension training where you use hanging straps to leverage gravity and your body weight to engage all of your muscles. And, ohmygod, do I mean all of your muscles. After one 55-minute class, I shuffled around like an old woman for days.

COST: $20/class.

PROS: Works your core as well as every other inch of your body. Goes by fairly quickly. Mimosas!

CONS: Turns out dudes are not into “this TRX thing.”

WILL I DO IT AGAIN? Yes. But only because it’s a super good workout and a challenge. It’s not something I’ll actually look forward to.

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2. RIDING ON AN ACTUAL BICYCLE

My boyfriend got me a PUBLIC Bike (swoon) for my birthday, and as pretty as it looked just hanging out in my apartment, turns out, he actually wanted me to take it outside.

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WHAT IT IS: It’s just like riding a bike.

COST: Free!

PROS: You get to wear cute clothes and ring the bell on your bike as much as you want. You should have seen how excited I was when I found out that other bikers ring their bells as a way of saying hi when they pass you on the road. I may have actually yelled, "Oh! I have one of those too!" while violently dinging my bell. I'm nothing if not cool. Also, you can ride your bike to the bar.

CONS: Cars. Also, sometimes your butt bones hurt, but kind of in a good way?

WILL I DO IT AGAIN? Did you see the part where I said you can ride it to the bar?

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3. PRIVATE TENNIS LESSON

Yikes. That sounds so "country club." It's totally not though, because I take my tennis lessons on city courts. So there.

Anyway, a few months ago I managed to get a spinal compression fracture and tennis was one thing I just couldn’t suffer through (something about my back seizing up or whatever). It’s been four months since I broke that shit though, so I decided it was time to suck it up and get back to it.

WHAT IT IS: I pretend like I’m paying my awesome tennis coach Tim to hit balls with me, but really I’m just paying him to laugh at all of my jokes and stories.  Sometimes Tim makes me do drills. Sometimes I laugh in his face when he tells me to do drills. He asks about my sex life. I pretend to care about his baby. We play tennis. Kind of.

COST: $40/hour

PROS: Afterwards, I get to run my errands in a tennis skirt. Oh, and I get better at tennis or whatever.

CONS: Well, there was that one time when Tim and I got in a fight with some dudes over who had the court first and Tim’s head got slammed into the concrete and four police officers showed up. But other than that, it's pretty much just fun.

WILL I DO IT AGAIN? Obvi. Tennis is one of the few sports you can play even when you’re old, so it’s worth it to keep practicing my backhand. I’m so practical, I KNOW.

4. AIR CONDITION WORKOUT CLASSES: aka Trampoline Aerobics

Trampolines aren’t just for Mormons anymore!

WHAT IT IS: A full body workout class. ON A TRAMPOLINE.

San Francisco has this place called House of Air which is an indoor trampoline park and I really hope wherever you live has one of those magical places, too. They give you special trampoline shoes (so be sure to wear socks) and you basically just play on the trampoline for an hour.

Well, fine, you do exercises, even sit-ups and push-ups, but it’s all super fun! I laughed and giggled and squealed the entire time.

It’s definitely not easy, but you can totally taper the workout to fit you. Bounce as high as you want! Jump as much as you want! Laugh as loud as you want! CAN YOU TELL I HAD SO MUCH FUN BY HOW MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS AND ALL CAPS I’M USING?! CAN YOU?!!!!

COST: $16

PROS: It’s a workout that makes you laugh. 

CONS: Um, hi. It’s exercise on a trampoline. There are no cons. Well, except that I found out that there are situations in which I squeal (see below), which was sort of disappointing. But who cares because BOUNCING IS FUN AND TOTALLY SQUEAL-WORTHY!

I haven’t found anyone or anything that quite replaces Tom, but I guess the thing about a break-up is that it gives you a chance to date around and hook up with other people.

So...what about you? How do you get exercise and stay healthy and all of that crap that’s important? Also, can anyone tell me why I’m doing all of this exercising, but I weigh the most of my life? I know I’m supposed to pretend like that doesn’t actually matter to me, but it kind of does, and please don’t tell me it’s the booze because I totally know that already, but it's still not the answer I want.

Oh! And don't forget to let me know in the comments what other things you want me to try out. I'm pretty much DFW.