What Athlete Would You Most Like To Have Meaningless Sex With?

Golf's new rising star Rickie Fowler is totally HOT.

May 16, 2012 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

I have a firm policy not to ever get crushes on NFL players. I take football way too seriously to allow myself to be distracted by someone’s good looks and I never want to “like” a player based on his dreamy blue eyes, chiseled jaw line or bulging (furniture rearranging and heavy bags of grocery lifting) biceps.

If a football player is going to get positive attention from me, it will be because of what he does on the field in his uniform, not what he looks like off of the field in his teeny tiny locker room towel.

Plus, have you seen most of those guys? They’re huge. I’d basically always have to be on top and lord knows I am way too lazy for that.

Lucky for you me (okay fine) no one, my moral indignation about treating athletes like sex objects starts and stops with football players. Everyone else? Fair game! Play ball! Start your engines! You get it!

And frankly, those guys should be totally okay with that because while someone might not really care about their free throw percentage, they might still tune in just to admire their bizarrely toned calf muscles. And that’s all we really care about right? People paying attention to and validating our existence no matter what the reason? 

Thought so.

(And people thought I should consider staying in therapy. As if!)

Righty then. Now that we’ve got that all cleared up, I can get to the point. 

Rickie Fowler. 

The 23-year-old professional golfer who, in case you’re not familiar with him, who won Rookie of the Year in 2010 and has one PGA Tour win (Wells Fargo Championship on May 6, 2012).

You know, the one who also happens to look a lot like Zac Efron and Johnny Depp (depending on that day’s facial hair predilection) and wears head-to-toe bright orange on the final day of every golf tournament in honor of his alma mater, Oklahoma State University.

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Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

A bright, shiny, new boy toy golfer who makes me giggle and twirl my hair. Which is why I’m writing about him. Because he’s hot in an “admitting that I'm a Cougar” kind of way and there’s something about his wardrobe choice that makes me think I’d like to see his orange pants on my bedroom floor, if you know what I mean. (Which, duh, you do because no one has ever said that and then been like “You know, so I can wash and iron them!”)

Sorry, but golf was in desperate need of some eye candy and Rickie Fowler makes me taste the rainbow.

Fine: He’s also good for the sport blah blah blah blah blah zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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You see a water bottle, I see a beer bottle. WHAT? It's MY fantasy. Don't ruin it!

No seriously though. Just so that I’m not totally objectifying him, it is true that Rickie Fowler is one of golf’s rising stars. He has a good swing. He’s confident. He’s been labeled golf’s “golden” boy. I think it’s safe to say he’s the next big thing.

If only we knew just how big that thing was…  

Kidding! 

Seriously though (although I actually was being serious; I bet/hope it’s pretty big), in a sport that was mostly played by old white dudes until Tiger Woods came along, it’s refreshing to see someone young, fun, and talented out on the golf course. Plus, let’s be honest, Tiger Woods is kind of over. Even if he does manage to stop sucking all over the place, he’ll never invigorate a crowd the way he once did. Red is so four years ago.

Sorry Tiger, but there’s a new kid in town and with his eye-popping wardrobe, shaggy hair, oversized baseball cap and good looks, Rickie Fowler is currently where it’s at.

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This guy looks like he could treat me like shit in only a way that girls with daddy issues truly appreciate.

And I, for one, am totally OK with that. In fact, the next time golf come on the television, I might not even change the channel. After all, what could be more entertaining than watching Rickie Fowler’s ball sink directly in my, I mean, the hole. Golf: your future is bright and you have Rickey Fowler (and my sex drive) to thank.

Anyway, while we’re objectifying men, tell me: Which professional athletes would you like to score with? (Sorry! I love puns! It’s who I am and I don’t ever want to change!) Go!