One of my best friends in the whole wide world is moving from San Francisco to New York tomorrow. She just texted me: “Wanna get wasted? I need to do something other than sob.” And since she’s my best friend, obvi I should run to her side, 16 wine bottles and box of tissue in hand.
Alas, I am a complete procrastinator and total moron, so instead of hanging out with my best friend on the eve of her departure from my fair city, guzzling wine and reminiscing about our many adventures (mis- and otherwise), I’m writing this post which is due by the time Emily and Jane wake up.
I’m sitting here trying to think of how I can turn Aubrey (you know her on the Internet as @aubs) into a sports story. We have gone to SF Giants’ games together (her dog, Lila Belle, in tow); we’ve rooted on the Niners during Monday Night Football; we’ve taken tennis lessons; gone on hikes (fine A hike -- singular); ridden bikes; bowled; sledded…
But there’s one “sport” we truly excel at. One sport we do better than everyone else. One sport that really sums up the bond that is our friendship.
What is it, you ask? Why: Day Drinking. Of course.
I get what you’re thinking. “But, Daisy. Day Drinking isn’t a SPORT.” Well actually, my friends, it is. And do you know how I know this? Because every single sporting good store has a section devoted to it. Fine, it’s not actually labeled as such, but you know when you enter it because it’s all sundresses and floppy hats and cute sandals and, well you get it: Things You Wear When Day Drinking!
So, as my farewell to Aubrey, best Day Drinking partner of all time, I give you 10 rules to live by in order to enjoy a sporting day of well … getting wasted.
1. Day Drinking is Best Done While Hungover
Listen, I’m not gonna lie. If you don’t feel like crap, it’s probably a waste of your day to start drinking at 11 a.m. I know that by admitting this, I’m kind of ruining my rep, but it’s just fact that it’s better to drink in the morning when drinking in the morning is the only thing that will fix what happened last night.
2. Start with Mimosas. Unless the Hangover’s Bad, in Which Case a Bloody Mary is in Order.
Listen, as the day advances, the quality of beverages will decline. So start classy. Don’t skimp on the champagne or the brand of vodka. These are the first one or two drinks of what’s sure to be a long day. Treat yourself right!
3. Day Drinking Shopping is the Best Kind of Shopping
Trust me. There’s nothing the fine folks at Saks Fifth Avenue like more than drunk girls piling into a dressing room together. Which is a total lie, but whatever, you’re drunk. Who cares what they think? Plus, my favorite purchases are splurges I totally couldn’t afford that I put on a credit card I promised I’d never use. Yes, I’m talking to you Marc Jacob handbags.
Ew, not really! OK fine: really. But only if you’re drinking the free mini bottles of water they give you at Saks. Or something with alcohol. I’ve found light beer to be an excellent source of H2O.
5. Don’t Day Drink and Drive
I mean, honestly people: Don’t ever drink and drive. But just because it’s daylight out doesn’t mean you can’t run a red light and kill a puppy. DO YOU WANT TO BE THE PERSON WHO KILLS PUPPIES? Exactly.
6. Play Games!
There are so many games to play while Day Drinking: ping pong, sloshball, bowling, bocce, grocery cart racing, etc. Games are certainly not mandatory, but it’s nice if your Day Drinking is accompanied by some activity. Sporting events, boating, and BBQs are also a great excuse. NOT THAT YOU NEED AN EXCUSE.
7. Take a Nap
Napping is a great way to take a little break before you start Night Drinking. However, BEWARE that your “nap” doesn’t turn into “going to bed.” A good way to ensure you don’t sleep until 8 a.m. the next morning is to take your nap wherever you’re doing your Day Drinking. Just lay down on the ground and shut those pretty little eyes. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
8. Wear Sunscreen
This tip is also good for life. Wear it every single day. Seriously. You’re kind of an asshole if you don’t. Not because of cancer, or whatever, but because one day you’ll be in your 30s and you’ll spend $100 on a skin lightener and you’ll sort of hate yourself for it, but you’ll do it anyway because your mother made you feel horrible about your sun spots.
9. Wear Something Cute
You cannot Day Drink in gym clothes or sweats or whatever it is that half of America thinks it’s okay to wear to brunch. We Day Drink in cute clothes only. You hear me? That being said: Flats are highly recommended.
10. Always Day Drink with Someone You Love
I know you have an Aubrey. So call her now. Invite her to brunch. And when she shows up, give her a hug, tell you love her, and then whisper the magic words: “First round’s on me.”
By the time you read this, my Day Drinking partner in crime will be on a flight to New York. I know the distance won’t affect our friendship. We’ll still be there for each other through break-ups and make-ups, new jobs and old flames. I’ll still help her analyze text messages from her many suitors and suggest cute outfits for all of her exciting Manhattan parties.
No … 3,000 miles won’t change our friendship, but I’ll sure as hell miss her this weekend when I wake up hungover and she’s not here for brunch. Good luck in New York, Aubrey. They’re going to love you. Just not as much as I do. Xx.