I Can't Get Down With The #AfterSex Selfie

I'd rather see a billion photos of your brunch over a post-coital selfie.

Apr 2, 2014 at 10:30am | Leave a comment

Photos of couples on Instagram smiling and holding hands is the last thing I want to see. I’ll take a photo of your brunch or your cat over your lovey dovey couple selfies. But now, there's something even more infuriating. Behold, the #AfterSex trend is here! It’s exactly as it sounds: taking photos of yourself after sex. Scroll through the hash tag on Instagram if you'd like to see the monstrosity.

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This is the closest I'll ever get to posting an #AfterSex selfie

The Daily Mail posted some great ones.  I think I found the winner though: a girl holding her dude's dick.

Come on, people. What are you doing?

Naked people in towels, smoking cigarettes, and cuddling is for French New-Wave movies, not Instagram. Unless you are Jean-Paul Belmondo and a foxy actress from the sixties, I don’t want to see it. Besides, John Lennon and Yoko One were the quintessential lovers who allowed a camera into their bedroom to document their intimacy. You can’t compete with a Beatle.

There has been an increase in method selfies lately, including my favorite, the Selfie Olympics. It’s where people pose in their bathroom doing crazy things, like eating ramen noodles from their sink or sleeping on top of the door. I’m all for the silly selfies, but sometimes it gets too weird and dark.  

The funeral selfie is especially disturbing.  People taking sad photos of themselves at funerals? No, you should not do this. The #funeral selfie really put the nail in the coffin for gimmick selfies. If that’s not the best pun you’ve ever heard then I don’t know what is.

I’ve already said that checking twitter is the new after-sex cigarette, but do you really need to take a photo of yourself to show EVERYONE that you just banged? I’m sure your bedroom hair looks amazing, and your smeared eye makeup is super sultry, but intimacy is something that should be kept between you and your partner. Isn’t that the definition of intimate?

Sharing details of your prosperity on social media is not uncommon. I always share photos from jobs I’m working on or magazines I’m in. I do not live a private life by any means. I do, however, draw a line when it comes to what extent I’ll share. The last thing I need is a stranger approving my sex life.  

It seems the goal with #AfterSex selfies (and most Instagram photos of you and your friends having the best night of your life) is wanting me to think, “Cool, you just had sex, I just read the Wikipedia page for Gary Busey, my life obviously sucks.”

Oh, and to the couples who obviously didn't take the photos themselves: Who took your photo?