You Down With UCP? (That's Uncircumcised Penis)

You guys, I sort of forgot uncircumcised penises even existed.

Sep 30, 2011 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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I need to talk about this.

Earlier today, a co-worker and I were very professionally discussing penises. She'd suggested I do an article of BJ advice from gay men and I parried that I feel like gay men are overconceited about their BJ abilities. Because while I have a vagina, if you were to place one in front of me (on some sort of platter, perhaps?) I wouldn't know the first thing to do with it. I pointed out that penises are like the universal remote of genitals -- they all pretty much work the same way, while vaginas are mysterious and delicate hothouse flowers requiring very specific conditions in order to flower.

And then she blew my mind with this one: "Well, except when it comes to uncircumcised penises vs curcumcised ones." You guys, I sort of forgot uniurcumcised penises even existed.

In fact, in all my years of liberally sexing the population, I have only ever seen ONE of these guys. I was 13, and it is unfortunately forever linked in my mind to the most unappealing semen I have ever encountered. I swear, it had the consistency of cottage cheese. And did not taste as good. Some bad cottage cheese gave me a 3-day bout of violent food poisoning once, and I would still rather eat it than this guy's spooge.

I don't know what was wrong with that dude's spunk, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't his foreskin's fault. Still, I would be stymied by a UCP if met one today. How do you work the thing?! It's the one kind of penis I don't know my way around at all. Are you supposed to pull back the foreskin? Do you hold it in place while you give the HJ or BJ or do you let it slide around with your movement? How do you UNLOCK ITS FLESHY MYSTERIES?

In the end, I guess I prefer a penis with which I am engaged to resemble an anteater rather than a rubber chicken, which is all I can see when a dude shaves his junk bare.

Since for once I am the one lacking in experience, please fill me in on your UCP experience, good or bad. If you tell me its amazing, I can chalk it up to one more awesome thing a settled, stable life has robbed me of, like how I'll never try ecstasy now that I'm sober.