What do I do? How do I discover myself and what I really want?
xoJane Advice Column
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What do I do? How do I discover myself and what I really want?


I’m torn over two guys. The first is Alex, an ex-boyfriend I dated for two years, and broke up with in the spring. I’ve seen more of a future with him than anyone I’ve dated and he would do anything for me, but I wasn’t 100% sure about him and felt like I was settling. We have tried to be friends (occasionally slipping into relationship habits), and he has been pining for me ever since.

Shortly after the breakup, I started dating someone new, Ben. It was messy at first and we broke up a lot. He dropped the ball on basic relationship etiquette and hurt my feelings, but he has improved. After our last breakup, I tried to cut him off completely. Then he'd write me incredibly heartfelt and convincing letters about why he misses me or thinks things can improve, and I cave. He's very different from me or any guy I've dated and it's been interesting to explore this.

Now, I’ve told both of them I’m not ready for more than a friendship, though I'm also scared they'd be jealous if they knew I was friends with the other. I can see potential with both of them and change my mind sometimes by the hour. Though I want to play the field and think it’d be better to start completely from scratch, I also don’t want to miss on something good/long-lasting with either of them and, let’s be honest, I get lonely. I’m scared of making the wrong decision or ever having to tell one of them that I made a “choice” and it wasn’t them. I’ve also had a desire to move far away for quite a while, and this desire is now heightened.

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