YOU ARE THE ADVICE COLUMNIST: Feminism vs. BDSM

Is being kinky, and a feminist something I should withhold from conversation even if its relevant?

Dec 18, 2013 at 6:30pm | Leave a comment

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XOJane, I've found myself struggling for the last year with personal, but conflicting interests. I strongly consider myself a feminist, yes I could be more well read in the history, and politics, but that's pretty much where my allegiances are. My feminism isn't the root of the issue, it's my realization and passion being kinky! 
In college, I had taken Philosophy of Sexuality, and for an essay I was assigned to debate if BDSM was a perversion. More specifically if Sadomasochistic sexual encounters were a perversion. For the first that semester I was stumped. I  could only see it from one point of view, that of course it wasn't a perversion, if there was complete communication and consent. That was a break through point in my sexuality, realizing this was why I've always felt unsatisfied, or uncomfortable. I identity as submissive sexually. Naturally thats the best way to label it, at least with in the Kink community. As a human, and a feminist I believe in equality in all aspects. Striving for that equality in my sexuality, has lead me to find the healthiest, most balanced sexual relationships for me have incorporated S&M, because communication is extremely key to that whole experience. 
But here's the breaking point, How do identify as a feminist, and a submissive at the same time? 
I feel like I'm betraying my feminist beliefs by enjoying something that from the outside seems very misogynistic. I'm feeling guilty, and confused about the whole matter. I can't stop being ether.  I've gotten poor reactions when my interest in BDSM has come up around other feminists. (I've been part of a group of very strong minded, feminist artists.) 
How do I communicate this with other like minded women? 
Is being kinky, and a feminist something I should withhold from conversation even if its relevant?
How should this feminist breach the subject in conversation? Should she just keep her mouth shut? Let her know in the comments.
 
Send all of your questions to Advice@xoJane.com for some guidance.