Why You Should Never, Ever Feel Too Fat For Sex

If body insecurities are keeping you from getting down, you're doing it wrong.

Mar 15, 2011 at 7:32am | Leave a comment

There's a new dubious study in town, and this one says that half of British women avoid sex with their partners because they feel insecure about their bodies. They have thoughtfully included some "sad fat woman" photography to help you understand the science here.

Yes, it's wrong on moral grounds, but also it just doesn't make sense. Sure, you may be too fat to become a supermodel or get carried around by slave boys on one of those platforms from ancient times.  I sure am! But having sex is actually one of the ideal activities for fat people (and people who are just lazy) because you can do it WHILE LYING DOWN. It's sooo easy.

The only time the phrase "too fat for sex" should ever be uttered is if you just ate huge, delicious meal and you are literally too full to be interested in anything but laying on the couch and airing out your enormous food belly. I find belly rubs a delightful substitute in those times.

Also, having sex with someone is the perfect distraction from any perceived body flaws. It works the same way as with bad personalities -- take her clothes off and drop her in a guy's bed and instead of "that biatch with the nasty attitude," she becomes "the hot girl who is naked in my bed." When you agree to have sex with a guy, you instantly become 10 times hotter. Sexual availability is like full-body Spanx!

And we've heard it before, but it continues to baffle me that women don't believe it in their souls that men are really just happy to see us naked. Even though people who make clothes and diet pills want you be believe differently, men are evolutionarily designed to respond to actual female bodies, not retouched images. Not found in nature = penis cannot compute.

How do I know this? I lost a lot of weight in college, and as a result I have a flabby mom belly, droopy boobs and a majestic amount of back fat. You know who cares about that? Me! You know who doesn't? Any of the hundreds of dudes who have seen me naked. They were way more focused on all the ways we could make each other feel good using our bodies than what those bodies look like. Believe it.

If you're still feeling insecure about your body during sex, give me a call and I'll scan you some images of some gorgeous naked fatties from vintage pornography. We can beat this thing.