I get the best stuff in the mail. If I can't stick it in my vagina, I can use it to learn more about the ol' girl. Such is the case with the latest USPS sexy deliver, "What Your Birthday Reveals About Your Sex Life."
What does my birthday (May 12) reveal about my sex life, you may ask? Well, I'm a "true connoisseur of physical pleasure," who is "considerably more drawn to sexual experimentation" than other members of my sun sign. "Sexy banter and verbal fantasizing" gets me off, as well as "acting out sexual fantasies" with my lover. That's right, my LOVER. I'm also told I favor a "saucy style of lovemaking" that makes me feel a bit "naughty." True 'dat.
But of course, the best use of this book is to speculate on other people's sex lives! To a lot of folks, it would be TMI to know what your co-worker likes in the sack, but I always want to know everything about everyone's sex lives and would look at practically anybody naked out of sheer curiosity. Too Much Information? More like "Talk, Me Interested." (I don't know, you come up with something.)
So I emailed Jane, Cat and Lesley to cryptically ask for their birthdays, which they gave me, never suspecting that I was about to delve into their very personal sexy sex lives! Here's what we learned:
Jane, November 11th
"A generous lover," Jane "intuitively knows what her partner wants" and is "more than willing to provide it." Once involved, she craves "lots of action and excitement in the bedroom." "Affectionate and physically expressive," she "thrives in a passionate union" and "lovemaking is rarely far" from her thoughts. Saucy minx! Do you think she's thinking about lovemaking while we have our morning editorial meetings?
Cat, September 10th
As a lover, Cat is more "athletic, eager, and aggressive" than other members of her Sun sign. In an intimate unon, "mental rapport" may be her first requirement, but "fiery sexual ardor" runs a close second, and her "dynamic physical vitality thrives on high-energy lovemaking." When she's away from her beloved, her "desire smolders like an awakening volcano." DAMN! Cat's like a sex jock!
Lesley, January 11th
Lesley regards sex as "a sacred expression of love," and does best with a mate who has similar feelings. "Lovemaking" is typically a "highly charged experience" for her, because she's extremely sensitive to sensual stimulation. She is especially proud of her "prowess" and "amazing sexual stamina" that allows her to go all night long when she feels so inclined. With her "responsible attitude toward love relationships," the idea of a "lasting union" and growing old with her spouse holds tremendous appeal for her. Aw.
Fun, right? I know you want to participate, so I'll tell the first 5 commenters who leave their birth dates something about their sex lives, or as I like to think of them, "whoreoscopes."
Also, you now have our birthdays. Feel free to send presents.