In college, I attended exactly two sessions of a Figure Sculpting class before dropping it, via late night email. While I didn't learn a whole lot about making grotesque people out of smelly wet clay, I did learn a little something equally messy ... life. At first glance, you might not think our figure models were a devoted couple. This is because he looked like a miniature Shaving Fun Ken, and she looked like Jerry Garcia. They strolled in in their robes, looking like the leather daddy from The Village People having a spa day with his mom, except that they were casually preparing to embrace in an excruciating naked tableau in front of a dozen college students at 9 am. While I made a few unsuccessful attempts to exchange a Say, what's the deal here? face with my more composed classmates, the lady of the couple began an arduous and moaning-intensive series of limbering stretches. Meanwhile, her gentleman counterpart approached us individually with a tupperware container of his homemade "morning glory" muffins. But when they eventually got naked, I noticed they had matching "Star Trek" communicator badge tattoos located above their left nipples. Appearances, shmappearances: This was love.
I realized a few things that day. Mostly that I hate art, but also a thing or two about the inscrutable nature of attraction. I was sad to say goodbye to the Trekkcouple, their ponderous genitals, and the daily promise of prune-sweetened baked goods served by someone whose balls I had sketched. But I did walk away with an understanding of what makes a solid and lasting relationship: batshit insane his'n'hers products.
Here are a couple of my favorites.His'n'Hers Twitter Handle Necklace, $99.95, Survival of the HippestWhat a great way to let people know that you and your loved one are utterly psychotic for eachother. Bonus? You can have it "encrusted."
His and Hers Mallard Shirt, $22, Cafe PressI often date men who are prettier than me, or who at least put much more time into their appearances. Finally, a shirt that lets him know it's OK to be the shiny-headed fancy one, and me that I'm brown and drab so weasels won't attack me and my eggs.
His and Her Pimp Costumes, $84.95, 3wishes.comYes, I know. But TRULY "offensive" would be wearing these just once a year.
His and Hers AXE Body Spray, $5.99, Drugstore.comSmell as overwhelming as your feelings.
His and Hers "Star Wars" Quote Bracelets, $22, EtsyI wonder if this shopkeeper will make me these, but with dialogue from the Julia Roberts and Clive Owen film, "Closer." His will say, "WHAT DID HIS CUM TASTE LIKE?" and mine will say, "LIKE YOURS BUT SWEETER."
His and Hers "Personal Trimmers," $10.95, Adult ToyYou know, why not?
His and Hers Pentagrams with Binding Spell, $3.45, eBayHow to tell your boyfriend that you are in his* dark service.
His and Hers Hip Flasks, $50, eFlasksMakes a great wedding gift, because, you two deserve each other.