Some Super Weird Justifications We Came Up With For Having Sex With Our Childhood Girlfriends

Underage! Lesbian! Sluts!

Jun 28, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

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Shortly after we all had sex

You guys know about my lesbian phase. But have I told you about my pre-lesbian lesbian phase? Or perhaps more aptly, my "shove literally anything against my clitoris, even the neighbor girl's hand" phase?

I guess I was kind of a horny kid.

My Barbies were basically living in an early version of HBO's "Cathouse." They competed in beauty pageants and did anything to win. Sometimes Ken invited Barbie over for a "pool party," and when she got there he'd be the only one there, and he wouldn't be wearing swim trunks. Ken was a dirty dog!

When, I found my Dad's stash of weird British porn, I was done. Perversion complete. No turning back. Me and my best girlfriend used to pore over the stuff for hours trying to figure out what "boinking" was. Naturally, when you're looking at porn with your friend, you sometimes get a little excited and want to play weird sex games.

I'll get to my story, but can I just tell you how bizarre things got in here when I turned around and asked the other staffers if they ever fooled around with their girlfriends? Here are the mind-stretching scenarios that came tumbling out of their mouths:

Staffer 1: Yes, we would play that game where one person has to close their eyes and the other person can look at you naked but you can't open your eyes. Then we would bump and grind. I remember the next day I could smell her shampoo in my hair and it made me feel so bad and gross. Then she called me crying and said, "I feel like we had sex and I'm not a virgin anymore."

Staffer 2: This is really fucked up, but my friend had a tipi in her room and we would play strippers, but like, on an Indian reservation. Then we fooled around. There was also an element of humiliation, like "Eww, you're so naked!"

Staffer 3: The thing that comes to mind the most vividly was that my group of friends and I would have "back-stroking parties" in my basement. We would all lie on our stomachs in a giant circle, shirtless, and take turns trailing our fingers up and down the smalls of each other's backs. Some of us (read: me) would try to subtly lie on our hands to try to get some friction down south while this was happening, but it would have been considered very weird if we'd actually tried to get any more sexual. My one friend had these massive breasts that we were all in awe of, and we would subtly try to gently brush the backs of our nails closer and closer down her ribs without actually hitting her boobs. It was definitely sexual and super fucking weird.

Staffer 4: I felt so bad after having an on-going panties-on dry humping affair with my second grade best friend that I wrote a "confession" letter to my mom about it and sent it to her. In. The. Mail. She read it and then proceeded to explain what masturbation and self gratification was. I didn't necessarily feel better about it, mostly I just felt superior to all my friends because I knew how to spell masturbate.

Staffer 5: When I was 10 or 11, at a sleepover with a family friend, we decided to pretend we were each other's boyfriends. I had recently learned about the birds and the bees, and she was already fooling around with her older step-brother. So we got naked and pretended we were "doing it." We rubbed up against each other, and it felt really good. Afterward, I felt ashamed, and we never mentioned it. Then I read in the diary of Ann Frank about Ann wanting to look at and touch her friend's breasts. That somehow made me feel less ashamed. But I've never discussed this anywhere before this.

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At this point, our new intern began to feel upset that none of her friends ever made a move on her.

My childhood BFF and I also used to play "strippers," in her family garage, always straining one ear for the turn of a parental key in the lock. Our fooling around was the equivalent of watching  with one hand on the remote  in case your mom walked in and you needed to pretend your face was all pressed up against ABC Family.

One of us would be the club owner, while the other one would "audition" to the sensual strains of TLC's "Red Light Special" Hearing that song still makes me want to make out with a fifth-grader. NO! I KID! Eventually, we would explore each other's chubby tweenage bodies until somebody had what we didn't know was an orgasm and got bored.

We did this pretty regularly for awhile, always in the guise of some game where one of us was playing a man, because in Oklahoma, the only thing worse than a homosexual is two homosexuals. In retrospect, I'm not sure "But you see, she was pretending to be a male doctor and I was a horny female nurse," would have been a convincing defense against homophobes, but at the time it seemed sufficiently NOT-GAY.

And even if you had the sneaking suspicion that there was something kind-of-gay about the whole thing, that was between you and your angry God, because the number one rule of underage sex club was that you must never, ever talk about it. Which I guess is why the common denominator in all these stories is justification and guilt and shame.

Which, how sad! I just want to cuddle all our little underage selves to my bosom and tell them their horrible secret will be funny happy hour fodder someday. If I didn't think the little sluts would like it.

The worst part is that I just did a little Googling and found a bunch of Yahoo Answers forums with headlines like "Is this normal?" and "Am I gay?" and a bunch of creep answers like "Well this is definitely not normal" and "I believe that males and females were designed for each other, not f/f or m/m. Looking at how are bodies are made confirms this!"

How can I SEO this post so it pops up the first time a confused teenage girl touches a clitoris? You normal, girl! Go download some music illegally and call it a day.