The Best Email I've Gotten Today/Ever: ButtPlug Of The Month Club!

Plus 6 other sexxxxual Valentine's Day prezzies to buy for like, yourself.

Jan 28, 2013 at 2:30pm | Leave a comment

This is the time of year when women's website editors start getting a slew of bizarre, gender-normative press releases pegged to Valentine's Day.

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Mostly I ignore them because snooooooze (I mean, "perfect your pout"?!?) but I got one this morning that really catered to my specific interests of seasonal mail and my butt.

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INTRODUCING: The Butt Plug of the Month Club!

Here's my favorite part: Traditionally, if you wanted to buy someone one buttplug per month for a year, you had to make twelve monthly trips to an adult mart by the side of the highway. Makes you feel kind of sleazy, doesn't it? 

Technically, you could buy in bulk, but I see your point, buttplug email. Thus, ButtPlugoftheMonthClub, which promises to provide the recipient with "exciting, attractively packaged" buttplugs monthly that are "diverse in terms of shape, size and color." 

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Yup.

I'm not really all that into buttplugs, cause if I'm going to go to all the trouble of putting something inside my butt, it's going to be a human thing that derives pleasure from the experience. But as a towering accomplishment of humanity, I respect the ButtPlug of the Month Club completely.

Here are a few more suggestions for overtly sexual Valentine's Day gifts to buy for yourself, or someone else, or tell someone else to buy for you.

You know how sometimes you know you're going to get laid after work and you have to stuff your bag full of everything you might need, and then at some point a pair of crotchless panties or a dildo falls out of your bag in the middle of your office floor? These vibrating nipple clamps are disguised as jewelry would be one less thing to carry.

One thing I hate about being bound and gagged is how hard it is to eat anything. Problem solved!

 Slap with the leather side, soothe with the fur side.

 

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Edible anuses, $9.68

Usually chocolates are so boring, but not this 3-pack of chocolates shaped like perfect little puckered b-holes! Yum!

 

I love these grandmotherly mugs with dirty messages creeping amongst the delicate florals. This one says "Anal Maniac," but you can also purchase "Whore," "Sugar Tits" and more.  

Penis cupcakes! Make them for your friends and enemies who hate penises. If you're not boning anyone this Valentine's Day, you can use food coloring and icing to make them look all warty and diseased and remind yourself why. Alternately: boob cake!

 OK. Do you give a fuck about Valentine's Day? Why or why not? Have you gotten a better email today than mine about the ButtPlug of the Month club?