So, How Do You Know If You Have A "Pretty" One?

THIS is the bullshit that’s been occupying my mind all damn day.

Dec 26, 2012 at 11:30am | Leave a comment

I was chatting with my good guy friend OLM online again, and somehow the conversation veered towards nude celebrity pics that "randomly" get leaked online.


Nothing NSFW to see here folks, unless you consider ample cleavage offensive.

We traded a few revealing NSFW links back and forth, but the conversation got real dicey when we landed on R&B singer Cassie’s three-year-old pussy pics. (For those of you who don’t know, Cassie is P. Diddy’s main chick/side piece/fiancée, depending on how you perceive their multiple-parties-involved situation.)

Spread (bald) eagle in all her hairless, flexible glory, she’d damn near exposed her uterus to the entire world. All I could type was, "Ewwwww!" For shame! So desperate! How dreadful!

And OLM? Well, he replied with five words that cut me deep, Shrek: “She got a pretty one.”

A pretty one? What in the actual all-around fuck is a pretty one?

Of course, I didn't dare ask him that. I mean, we’re friends and all, but I couldn’t let him know that he’d inadvertently given me the worst gift ever -- something else to obsess over.

At the risk of sharing TMI (but can I ever really in xoJaneville?!), I sneak a peek at my dick driveway on a regular basis, and always when I snatch my snatch. And I think it’s really pretty.

But then again, I should. Because it’s mine. And I keep it neatly groomed and super duper clean. Plus, it’s the only one I’ll ever have. Unless they start doing full-blown vagina transplants. Which if they do, I’ll take Elizabeth Taylor’s. I can't think of any other twat that’s fetched as many sparkly expensive-ass engagement rings as hers. So, yeah, dibs on that one.

But I digress.

What makes Cassie’s pussy so pretty? Is it because it appeared to be hair-bump-less? Or tattoo-less? Or C-section scar-less? (Can you tell I watch a lot of low-rent porn?) Was it because it was all one uniform shade of pink? (But aren’t they all pink? On the inside at least?) I mean, it's not like it's vajazzled or anything. Seriously -- it looks pretty regular to me.

For the record, I feel like a supremo perv. And I still can’t make sense of this. But it’s really bothering me. Can any of you help? What makes a vajayjay pretty to you? And if you could get a vagina transplant, whose pussy would you pilfer? (And yes, you better fucking tell me why!)

I’m keeping it hella random over on Twitter: @IndiaJewelJax.