This one stumped the folks at Yahoo Answers.
Pets and sex are admittedly two of my favorite subjects…when discussed separately, with a nice thick wall of “You shall not pass!” between them, that is. Put them together and things start to get a little freaky.
No, this isn’t a crappy segue into some kitty-on-kitty action or the great spay and neuter debate that inevitably pops up when sex and pets are discussed on Dogster or Catster, the sites I edit by day. The burning questions on my mind are as follows: When you and your partner get horizontal, do you lock Fluffy and Fido out of the room? Do they become silent witnesses to The Deed (TM) as it is done or not-so-silent spectators?
I walked into this conversation for the first time a few years ago when I was sad and dog-less, and a gay friend was telling me how he could NOT get his newly-adopted pup to stop barking up a storm whenever he brought a foxy bear home from the bar for fun and games. His dog clearly thought he was being manhandled a little roughly -- but how does one explain to one’s dog that this is EXACTLY how you like it? It’s probably not the time to bring in the Dog Whisperer. (Wait, I take it back, I would totally watch that episode.)
I’m not going to pretend I have the answer to that question, but now that I have you here I’m going to share some ridiculous stories I’ve rounded up from friends, pet professionals and my lovely Dogster and Catster writers. A good number of people I asked were too embarrassed to share their pets plus sex story, so many hat tips to those willing to share, even if some of you insisted that we not run your last name. (I completely get that you don’t want your boss Googling your name and finding your amazing quote on sex and dogs.)
So! To be fair to everyone who shared, I will go first:
My dog, Mr. Moxie, has a huge used panty fetish. When I’m at work, he goes hamper diving and I often find my intimates hidden in one of his four beds (crazy dog lady here, yes). Sometimes he wears them like a necklace and will walk around the apartment for hours looking like he won the lottery. Because of his zest for underwear, he is always really grateful when sexytime comes around, and he wastes no time picking panties off the floor as soon as they are discarded when things start to get interesting.
Just a few weeks ago, he made a bold move I’d never seen before: As the boyfriend was getting all my bothersome clothes off, Mox jumped up and snagged my panties as they were halfway down my leg, yanked them off and ran back to his den with his prize. We could hardly believe the nerve of our little hound! He also seems to think of himself as the clean-up crew post-lovin’. The dog cannot get enough.
From Dogster columnist and former NY Post scribe Julia Szabo:
My dogs are great in bed, but I always close them out of the room when copulation takes place. Partly because I have yet to meet the guy who's not terrified of Magnus, my giant blue Pit mix! But also because, while I find it amusing when dogs try to get in on the act, a curiously sniffing snout tends to be a surefire erection killer.
I planned ahead for this eventuality by occasionally closing the dogs out of the bedroom when there was no guy in my life -- so it wouldn't come as a huge shock to them if/when I actually did meet a sexual partner. I made sure to give my pack lots of attention and treats on those nights when they were banished from the bedroom, so they'd associate it with something positive.
Happily, my dogs settle down on their plush Crypton dog beds in the kitchen and go to sleep. They're even quiet during the, ahem, climactic event … but one time, K9 Lazarus expressed his Victorian disapproval of my activities by urinating on one dog bed. He was pissed!
P.S. I also close my dogs out of the room during the act because one of my pups is a real man-stealer. K9 Cupcake only bats her lashes at guys I really like, and she stations herself outside the bedroom door, whimpering softly. Not because she's left out in the cold, but because she's actively pining for the guy in my bed! With her slim physique and limpid-pool eyes, I wouldn't stand a chance with her in the room -- this bed's not big enough for two bitches.
From pet photographer Heather:
I'm a newly single girl after separating from my husband of 16 years. As you can imagine, after 16 years of sex with the same person, I have embraced new experiences with other men. Not many men, just a few, but new nonetheless. My two Great Danes and Doberman are used to sleeping with me and jockeying for position in my king-sized bed. They are not, however, used to sharing it with another man (I have lived alone for a year and a half now).
Sex around the dogs always begins with a humorous start: "Um, the dogs?" Usually I will lock them out of the room; however, when I started dating one particular man who was interested in a serious relationship, I slowly let them back in. The dogs have never been concerned about me having sex around them. This former boyfriend, on the other hand, did not fare as well. In the beginning of this relationship, he had two instances of erectile difficulty. At first, I was offended and believed it may have been me. After a long bout of pouting and arguing, he admitted that he couldn't "concentrate" with one Great Dane sharing the bed with us while we were having sex. He said he felt bad, knowing how much I loved my dogs.
So, the next time he came around, I made sure my dog stayed off the bed and joined the other two on the floor. This seemed to work pretty well until about one month later -- same lack of "concentration.” We argued and he finally admitted that he could not perform with the dogs in the room, "My love, did you smell that? Remington farted. How do you expect me to perform with that stench amongst us?" I couldn't help but laugh hysterically. So, the dogs were banished again. I ended up in a relationship with this man and as the time went by, the dogs were let back into the room and even back on the bed. The dogs were happy and the boyfriend never had a problem again. In fact, he became completely enamored with my dogs and insisted that we never lock them out again.
From a pet writer pal who asked not to be named:
When my husband and I were first together, we had three dogs, and we couldn't care less whether they were in the room or not when we had sex. They would act like we were just talking about the weather. They appeared not to give it a second thought, and so to us, they were just furniture. It didn't creep us out to have them around when we had sex any more than it creeped us out to have the bedside table around.
Eventually they all got old and passed away, and we got Frank, a big yellow lab. Frank turned out not to be a bedside table. When he was in the room when we had sex, he would sit there wagging, staring and occasionally barking. I felt like we were porno for a dog. He was present twice for our encounters as we did our best to ignore him, and then we permanently banned from the bedroom. If we get together in the living room, we sequester him in another part of the house.
Since those early days with Frank, I've realized that he was actually being protective of me. Whenever my husband and I even embrace, he barks, and uses his nose to try to separate us. If he can't, he'll just stand there barking at my husband. His tail is wagging, but it's as if he's saying "Keep your paws off her. I've seen what you do to her, and it's not going to happen again." He doesn't stop barking until we are separated, and then he goes about his doggy business.
Cat people, we have not forgotten you. Here's Tamar of ihavecat.com:
It's been a while since I've done "the deed,” so to speak, but Kip, my "first born" is the quintessential curious cat. Once, during a man visit that ended up in my bedroom, I did have the odd sensation of being watched. I turned to my left towards the nightstand where I saw Kip standing very still, with his large green eyes fixed on me. I had to get up, pick him up and gently deposit him on the other side of the door. It was just too weird! I felt that he was some how judging me as if he was saying, "Mom, what are you doing? How undignified.” Let the records show I did feel a bit guilty about letting him see anything at all. I hope he does not call social services!
Last but hardly least, here's Catster’s Cat’s Meow blogger, Dorian Wagner:
My cats sleep on the bed, so there's no way around that. If something's going to happen, it's going to have to get started with two cats present. Pushing a cat off the bed is part of foreplay at my house. I mean, who doesn't look sexy flanked by two snoring cats?
I usually try to kick them off the bed. Sometimes they kick themselves out (“You guys are ruining MY good sleep time!”) and head to other parts of the house. Pimp (the oldest) is very chill about the whole thing. If I let him, he'll just keep on sleeping through anything. I think he likes the rocking of the bed maybe? Or maybe it's because of his name. He's just all nonchalant.
Having a cat in the bed, though, is a huge distraction. I don't want to think he's watching, I don't want to kick him or roll over on him, I don't want thoughts of MY CAT in my head right then. If I had real kids, it'd be the same as just letting them be in the bed and watch. Ick!
Moo (my outdoor turned indoor cat) never sticks around for the action, but he always wants to come up right after and check things out. You know that blissful, lie around couple minutes afterwards? Not at my house! Moo jumps on the bed, starts walking all over and -- to my extreme horror -- has even proceeded to go and sniff around where he definitely shouldn't be. THAT gets him the boot, ASAP. There is no rational way to explain away to a guy why your cat is trying to sniff his junk.
So that's my world. I guess my cats and me are a package deal. It takes a special guy!
Janesters, what do you do with your pets when sexytime comes around?