May I be the first to wish you a very happy Bangsgiving — that’s the night before Thanksgiving during which you get drunk in your hometown bar and hook up with your 7th grade crush or your high school gym teacher. In the spirit of this most sexually-charged not-quite-a-holiday holiday (seriously, Valentine’s Day doesn’t compare to the hormone soup that fills shitty dive bars across south Jersey on the third Wednesday of November), I wrote you a sexy gift guide.
If you are incensed by the idea of a pre-December gift guide, just bear in mind that I’m trying to save you the indignity of paying for overnight Christmas Eve shipping on a box of dildos (and you can always just consider this a list of things to buy for yourself).
Look, I’ve got no problem with period sex (if your partner is into it, obviously), but if you’re a little squeamish, Flex is pretty cool. Think of it as a 12-hour, flat Diva cup that’s built to accommodate penetrative sex. Cool, right!? A one-month supply is $20.
If there's one thing you can take from this guide, let it be this: you deserve better lube than what's at a CVS, especially since a lot of them have glycerin, parabens, and petrochemicals in them. This lube's ingredient list honestly sounds like a nice gentle moisturizer; it's mostly aloe, carrageenan, and hemp seed oil. It's not sticky at all, and, while water-based, doesn't dry out quickly. Which is like, exactly the point of lube.
I am still into the idea of gameification even though I know it’s so SXSW 2008, and I really appreciate anything that makes safe sex fun.
I'm really trying not to make a set-it-and-forget-it joke here, but I almost forgot I had this rigged up until I was trying to find a winter coat that I was storing under my bed. These take all of three seconds to set up, are super-discreet, and are very very kind to your wrists and ankles. The best part is that the restraints are velcro all the way around, so they even work on those of us with wimpy wrists. Despite being both affordable and comfortable, they're nice and sturdy, too. If you eventually upgrade to nicer cuffs, you can switch them out while keeping the whole system in place!
If you like your dildos at the intersection of LA spiritualism and objet d'art, you probably already own a Chakrub. If you don't, nothing will make you feel more like a Moon Juice-swigging, Sqirl-grain-bowl-eating, Father John Misty-antagonizing, GOOP-worshipping crystal princess than a semi-precious sex toy. Just make sure you sage it first.
Surprise! If you're going to buy a riding crop, you may as well buy an actual one from a saddle shop. They're generally cheaper and a little sturdier than what you'd get in a sex shop.
I wear a lot of shiny leather day-to-day, but I understand that lifestyle isn't for everyone — and so does Velvet Nest. These harnesses have classic lingerie detailing, and avoid obvious metal hardware completely. They're also vegan!
Hitachi Magic Wand
You know how every gift guide has a cashmere scarf on it? Obviously it’s a good gift because everyone wears the same size scarf (unless you’re Lenny Kravitz) and everyone loves cashmere, but it almost feels like “get someone you love a cashmere scarf” should be self-evident at this point. This is my cashmere scarf moment. Get yourself a Hitachi. Get your girlfriend a Hitachi. Get your boyfriend a Hitachi and a prostate attachment. Get your GNC friend a Hitachi and whatever attachments they desire. You know you’ve been thinking about it. This is your chance. Get it.
Every year around the holidays, it seems like brands start pushing blinged-out versions of their regular product. Glitter coated tubes of mascara, rhinestone encrusted push-up bras, very sparkly bottles of perfume, etc. This is like that, except it's a butt plug.
Everybody likes rose gold, right? If it’s good enough for Apple and all of Pinterest, it’s good enough for you or your boo. Frankly, though, I like these because they rectify the problem I have with nipple clamps: they always kind of look like bike chains or the metal clasps on those paper bibs dentists give you.
Bad cock rings are like bad hair ties; they feel like they're going to either snap in half when you're putting them on or cut off your circulation after a few minutes. The Tor 2, made of super-stretchy soft-touch silicone, does neither of those things. It's rechargeable, and basically looks like what would happen if Everlane decided to start making sex toys. The forest-green color is a nice touch.