Things You Should Consider Having Sex For Instead Of Coachella Tickets

I would give it up for soooooooo many things before I would for passes to some rock-and-roll music festival.

Jan 30, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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Look at me, I'm a 'music lover.'

It began as a productive day for the editors of xoJane.

We were having a thoughtful, reasonable, 46-email group debate on the topic of air freshener. Mandy and I were sexting each other violently. Total asshead Marci was posting pictures of her gorgeous shoes on Facebook, which I was compelled to find and buy, even though I am supposed to be saving money. (Kidding, I love you, Marci. But you are a real penis for posting those shoes.)

Then, Kate ruined my full head of afternoon work steam by forwarding us all the following Craigslist ad:

Free Coachella Ticket for hot chick - $2 (menlo park)
Taken in the same vein from the "Free superbowl ticket for hot chick" CL ad in Baltimore, this is the same exact deal - except for Coachella.

I will provide the ticket, hotel, food, drinks, etc - requirements:

  1. You like the XX , the Local Natives, and Of Monsters and Men
  2. You are skinny, blonde or brunette, and have a kick ass personality and down to earth sense of humor
  3. You like / don't mind going to a music festival with a 6'0" asian american guy, and no, its not small, and no - I do not have glasses, look like a nerd or have a fob accent (im 25)
  4. You have to put out

Send me an e-mail with a photo if interested, i'm 100% serious. It might even be a VIP Pass if you're lucky ;)

    •    it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I kept the "It's NOT ok to contact this post with services" line because, ha, right?

All right: I don't ever want to marginalize sex work or sex workers. But what the hell is this guy thinking? Coachella?

Look, I'm almost thirty and I'm a prrrrretty open-minded girl who has lived on BOTH of the coasts. The fact that I can still say I haven't paid for anything with sex is kind of a point of pride for me. But I would give it up for soooooooo many things before I would for passes to some rock-and-roll music festival.

I may not be skinny or "hot," but if I'm going to "put out" -- as you say in the ad, like some kind of weird fifties ghost -- I want something better than an excuse to get a floppy hat and dehydration.

First, those bands you name are all fine, but the festival goes all weekend. I'm assuming I'd probably end up hearing a few more acts, right? I mean, I'd better be, if I'm paying for the "hotel" you mention in Hilton Honors pussy points.

What OTHER sets are we going to see? I looked at the lineup. Am I willing to risk being the girl who turned tricks to see Social Distortion? I don't think so!

Second, I think you assume too much. For instance, that gingers don't also make wonderful companions, or that some of us might not want a nerdy "fob" Asian with a crazy Asian accent, or for that matter, a small penis. How huge is "not small?" How would my family feel, knowing that I was asphyxiated in a port-a-let by massive audiophile dong, and that the last thing I heard was "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa"? No, thank you!

Third, you also ask for "a kickass personality" and "a down-to-earth sense of humor." Oh, no sir. I see where this is going. "Pretty Woman" isn't real! You cannot troll for a life partner by seeing who among us will give handjobs for sweet free indie rock. We're not your girlfriends! We are just here to yank your crank for VIP bracelets to Mumfords, and don't you forget it.

xoEditor Kate also said she would put out for ComicCon passes before she would for Coachella. Daisy mulled a roll in the hay for tickets to the Super Bowl (which I gather is some sort of athletic competition).

And me? I spent the remainder of the daylight hours composing a list of goods that I would consider bartering for sex with a Craigslist stranger. None of which, incidentally, include the opportunity to see the Lumineers do that song from the "Silver Linings Playbook" trailer live.

They are:

  • A case of Surge -- I don't want to put too fine a point on how much I really miss this soda. There are probably a dozen or so discontinued foods I'd bang for, but I'm not about to Google search that and give BuzzFeed exactly what it wants. And yes, I've heard of eBay, but soda is HEAVY.
  • A fish tank -- But one of those, like, big cool expensive, whole-wall fish tanks they have in gangster movies that you see and just KNOW is going to get all shot up, in some cool shoot-out scene. What are the kind of fish that glow?
  • That thing where they shut down an entire theme park so you can go on all of the rides without any waiting -- But instead of a theme park, it's just Trader Joe's on a Sunday, because man, those lines.
  • Sex with David Duchovny -- Sometimes you have to have sex to get sex, according to a hand-stitched pillow on my Nana's couch.
  • Speaking of pillows: pillows -- Decorative ones, in various shapes and sizes. Bolster, square, accent. A whole mess of them just to have on my bed, maybe in some kind of pretty brocade. Just a thing that I've always wanted but would never buy for myself, you know?
  • A box of Fritelli's donuts -- But only if you could give it to me right this second, because I'm hungry and they're in Los Angeles. Basically what I'm asking for is donut teleportation technology. I know -- this kind of "big ask" probably means I'd have to do anal, but talk to me when you've had their PB&J cruller.
  • A bike
  • A regular-sized fish tank
  • Marci's shoes
  • Tickets to Bonaroo

Please use the "commenting section" to let me know what you'd be willing to prostitute yourself for, if not the opportunity to get heat rash while suffering through a filler track from "Blood Sugar Sex Magick."

And, fellows on Craigslist, please don't be stupid. If I want to see a band play for free at a music festival, I will do the adult thing and fuck the whole band.

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