I'll Show You My Porn Searches If You Show Me Yours

As a student of human weirdness, I've long been kind of fascinated by what people search for on porn sites.
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Publish date:
November 4, 2014
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Tags:
porn, internet, m-rated, M

As a child and young adult, I masturbated with a dedication. My life sucked, touching myself felt good. There was a period of time when if I was alone, I was basically casually masturbating. You know that casual masturbation? Where you almost don't even realize you've got your hand in your underwear while you're on the phone or watching nonsexual television or whatever? You're not trying to get off, you're just sort of ... fiddling around down there.

These days, however, there's not much room in my busy lifestyle for masturbation. It's gone the way of taking long naps and watching entire movies without falling asleep.

So when I do find a little quality time to spend with myself, I need something to get me started. I'm not just walking around feeling all inherently sexual and DTM like in my wanton youth. I'm tired, and I'm potty-training, so sometimes I've been peed on recently.

And so I turn to porn.

My years of reviewing sex toys/writing about naked stuff have resulted in a small lockbox stockpile of novelty sex items and porn DVDS. (I consolidated in preparation for parenthood.) I had to keep the "Intervention" porn parody, because what the hell? But now I pretty much just use the Internet like everybody else.

As a student of human weirdness, I've long been kind of fascinated by what people search for on porn sites. It's actually a conversation I've started at several cocktail parties, which just goes to show you that I'm still working on that whole "boundaries" thing. If you really want to go down an Internet rabbit hole, there's this live search stream where you can see what people are masturbating to in real time. It's like looking into the filthy butthole of humanity or flipping through the selfies on someone's phone. (Don't flip through the pictures on my phone unless you are desperate to see my boobs, k?)

Recently I stumbled across this infographic on the pornhub insights blog about what women search for on the site vs. men. Check it:

Warms my heart how much men apparently love their mothers. The terms women search for more than men are largely related to cunnilingus and lesbianism, including "tribbling," (664% more likely) which I had to look up. The #1 search for women is lesbian, which is also the top viewed category by women. They also seem to like gay male porn, as it is the second most popuar category for women.

Women are also 80-100 percent more likely than men to view clips from the explicit Hardcore, Rough Sex, Double Penetration and Gangbang categories, which makes me feel like all that flowery "for women" porn has been going about things the wrong way. Women are apparently more likely to search for threesomes and other multi-partner scenarios as well.

Which brings me to my top searches, which I promised to share with you in the headline. Please note: My vagina is an apolitical monster who sometimes wants horrible things to happen to the nice consenting porn actresses and also me but in the realm of fantasy alone I'll say consent again disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer.

1. MMF

This is pretty much my go-to. As I wrote in my piece "Having Sex with Two Guys Is The Hottest Thing That's Ever Happened to Me," well, you get the idea from the title. I basically just need a good half-a-minute of a couple of dudes in the initial groping stages of a two-dude threesome to get the job done. I'm gratified to see that women in general seem to be seeking out threesomes in their porn, although the stats don't differentiate between threesome configurations. But in a world where the two-lady threesome is held up as the epitome of male accomplishment, I like to believe women are fantasizing about multiple guys.

2. Casting Couch

I believe the casting couch series is from the same people who brought us my other degrading favorite, BangBus. It's based on the (scripted) premise that this dweeby dude with his face blurred out is interviewing women for jobs in adult entertainment. The text at the beginning, however, informs us that there IS NO JOB. Ugh! I hate myself that I find this so hot. There's a lot of like, "Producers in the adult industry are going to need to see what you can do..." which pokes the same subterranean spot in my subconscious as the topless scene in "Fame." (And this is probably the 500th time I've referenced that scene on xoJane, so you know it made an impression.)

3. Big Tits

Don't know why, there's just something sexy about giant tits. And I like to watch a lot of breast play -- groping, grabbing, smacking, manhandling, etc.

This is not the "Look at my curated bookshelf" version of my porn searches. I don't even know if I'd say that this is the stuff I think I like the most. But this is what happens organically when typing fingers and vagina connect in a horny moment. I asked some other xoEditors to share their porn choices and only three brave souls responded. I'm leaving them anonymous, but the first one's Mandy, because xoshameless.

  • I usually go for "big fake boobs" and then I imagine I'm the chick rocking them and am properly slutting it up like the fine ladies in Le porn I find.
  • Threesomes all the way! I go to porn for fantasy (duh), and threesomes seem to be hard to make happen IRL. Other than the time when two couples who were OLDER THAN MY PARENTS asked me separately for threesomes at a wedding party in Tallahassee. But that's a tale for another time. (I did not indulge.)
  • Threesome and lesbian.

You can see more number crunching here, like the fact that women are something like 900 percent more likely to search for "eating pussy," which of course we are. Share your top 3 porn searches if you dare. No judgment.