Should I Be Offended That One of the Guys I'm Dating Refused a Blow Job Because He Said His Penis is "On Vacation"?

Like, where is this penis? Wearing a little Hawaiian shirt and laying out on the beach? Wtf does "penis vacation" even mean?

May 22, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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Vagina vacation!

I'm seeing a few guys right now, none too seriously, and one is an older guy who is sorting through some ish in his personal life.

The last time I saw him we fooled around and had a great time together. Super light and happy and sexy and fun. I don't think either of us are looking for anything too serious because both of us are sorting things out and figuring where we're at in our lives. Like, what do we actually want? These are the discussions we have. Do either of us even want to get married? Have kids? Be in just one monogamous relationship?

Cut to: Me texting him yesterday these exact words: "What are you up to?"

Penis on Vacation Guy: "About to head out to see a friend. What's up?"

Me: "Nothing. Have fun!"

POV Guy: "Thanks, I will!"

Me: "So you're like heading out RIGHT NOW right now and wouldn't have time for a quick blow job right now?"

POV Guy: "Hahahaha yes, and I'm giving my penis a vacation. Not just from you, from everyone. I need to get my shit together in my own life and not be distracted."

I responded with radio silence and deleted the text thread in my phone because I didn't want to look at it anymore.

(UPDATE: To answer a few questions in your comments below: 1. Yes, he normally loves blow jobs. I'm positive of this. Like, positive. 2. By that token, I'm also positive I don't suck at giving them. Like, positive. 3. He had just been telling me he was jerking off to me and that was thinking how he wanted a blow job from me. 4. He does not have an STD. 5. He is not gay.)

Anyway -- can we analyze this a minute? What is a penis vacation?

Should I take one? Do all the penises get together and go on a big Carnival cruise together? Is there a limbo competition at any point? An all-you-can-eat penis bar?

Or maybe the better question to ask is: Why aren't I on a vagina vacation?

And how can I book one?

I'm sure Mama Gena, that fluffy pink boa and scented candle pussy power author, probably arranges these on the regs. Have you ever read Mama Gena? I forget who recommended it to me, I think it was my Russian Brazilian waxer who as she yanked off the most painful strip of all told me that this book was where it's at. "She's all about pussy power, Mandy," she said. "YOU WOULD LOVE IT."

So I bought the book and then kind of half-way read it, and then I gave it to a bunch of friends, and I called one of them to see if they were enjoying it. It was back when Hurricane Katrina was happening.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm reading it," she said. "I mean, I'm kind of watching the news and then alternating back to it. But Mandy -- I don't know if I'm actually going to make a Play-Doh model of my vagina like Mama Gena recommends."

"Wait -- what?" I asked, my face turning red. "Play-Doh model of your pussy?"

I hadn't read that far in the book.

"Yeah, you're supposed to sculpt your vagina, and I don't know, worship its pussy power or something," she said. "Oh wait, there's an update on FEMA. Hold on."

"Uh," I said. "Sorry about that. I had only gotten as far as all the fluffy pillows and scented candles bullshit."

"No, no, it's OK," she said. "I'm enjoying alternating between the two."

I love my girlfriends. And my guy friends.

Which brings me back to: sexual organ vacations.

And rejected blow jobs.

I know a blow-off when I get one. (Wait, does this qualify as a blow-job-off?) This wasn't one. But it doesn't mean it didn't make me want to go nuclear and never let him have as much as a hug ever again. (I hate how black and white and vengeful and You Will Fucking Pay I can be in my thinking sometimes.)

I think the only thing I can do is the obvious choice.

Make a Play-Doh model of my pussy, take a picture of it, put it on a postcard, and pen the following:

"Dear Penis on Vacation, it's me! Mandy's vagina, currently writing from a cruise ship in the Bahamas. Wish you were here! XOXO"

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