Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
Before I solved all my life's problems and had pretty much every single romantic issue in my life worked out (although wait, I did have a guy recently tell me, "You're so dysfunctional, it's thrilling!"), I often could be found frequently telling Instructional Dating Tales Of Yore.
These are stories that are deliciously chock-full of catchy little shorthand terms that I've come to nurture and love. You know, just like a real relationship and stuff.
And what kind of a monster would I be if I kept these all to myself?
Without further delay, I would like to share with you my seven all-time favorite dating expressions for you to enjoy — and then hopefully, one day, pass on to your own grandchildren.
1. "Wanting to marry a guy's apartment."
So this is probably the most self-explanatory. A dear friend of mine let me stay at his place once when I was in between domiciles. We had also been friends with benefits in the past and were actually fairly for real friend-friends. In between relaxing on his couch and his bed, I once told him, "Let's fly to Vegas and get married." He patted me on the head and said, "Mandy dear. You don't want to marry me. You want to marry my apartment." And you know what? He was right. Thank God for sweet deals on cozy little studios in Chelsea.
This is one of my newer terms, but I love it as dearly as I would one of my classics. I was telling a friend how if I'm dating someone who falls more into the creative class where I fall — which, usually does not include a million-dollar-salary — I immediately start scheming about the dude and myself pooling our various kitchen woks with the faulty handles, inherited mattresses with the inexplicable stains, and all those great deals we found at The Strand into one shiny discounted living situation. Together!
"You know," I told a friend of mine about this special little pathology, "I have zero interest in gold digging. What I am is a brokedigger." And then the zeitgeist quivered and all of pop culture stood still in reverence and awe. The end.
I actually hate dateworking.
Dateworking is when there is that sloppy gnarly little line between networking and just, like, a good old date. Maybe the guy wants to bang you? Maybe he wants to get a reference? Maybe he has a killer press release he wants you to copy edit? I've heard this happen to people across totally different industries too. I have one male friend who runs a successful agency, and half the time the women asking him out are just seeking to be signed. NEXT!
Similar to when chum is thrown out into the water to attract fish, "chumming" is when a guy sends out little bits of small talk to see what he gets back.
For example: You text one word. A guy who isn't trying to start something with you probably just ignores it. A guy who's trying to draw you out, to see what else he might elicit in the way of an emotional connection comments on that one little word like a fisherman trying to attract his prey. This chummer writes back: "Is everything okay? You're being awfully succinct. How's your day?" Dude is chumming.
5. "The intimacy bubble."
Have you ever confessed a secret you shouldn't have within the first few weeks of dating someone because you just knew, YOU JUST KNEW the two of you would be together forever, and my God, let's start this thing off with the most HONEST DIALOGUE EVER. And then two weeks later, you're single and he knows that your old roommate murdered a cat and is embezzling from the nail salon she works at. Oops. Don't fall for the intimacy bubble. It is real. It is dangerous and any assumptions you are making are coming from the fact that you are in THE ZONE. You are not necessarily cock-drunk, but you likely are oxytocin-fucking-stupid.
Zip it. (I first learned this delightful term from Sam Lansky. Shoutout to Sam Lansky.)
6. "Chick crack."
I've covered this one before. The guy feeds you lines with the intimacy of a decades-old "haven't we seen it all, you and I" relationship — and it's like, a one-night stand. Except, except — this dude gets you! HE REALLY GETS YOU. Nope. It's "chick crack," and holy crap is it addictive.
7. "Sopranos ending."
My friend Mackenzie Dawson identified this one years ago, and it is possibly one of the most brilliant mash-ups of David Chase and romantic doom ever. I use it all the time to describe New York guys and their sexy dating strategies. This is when you're chilling in a relationship together, it's pretty good, you know, you're eating those symbolic onion rings at the diner and then wait — what? — oh, goodbye. FADE TO BLACK — FOREVER. You never hear from him again. Dude just pulled a Sopranos ending.
Those are my top seven. I'm sure there are probably 900,000 more excellent ones without necessarily having to raid the pages of Urban Dictionary. Got any?
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.