Read My Open Letter to the Universe to Find A Man

File under: Willing to do anything to meet Mr. Right

Aug 9, 2012 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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I have done a lot of stupid shit to get guys.

I've bought entire outfits I couldn't afford. I've given a blowjob every single fucking morning. I've gifted "threeways," which is not really a gift but usually just leads to the end of the relationship and much more knowledge of my girlfriend's vaginas than either of us probably should have on any given school night.

Of course I do realize the main thing I could do to get a guy I never ever do. Which is, like, be a little less crazy and scary and seemingly unhinged and threatening and aggressive.

I just can't do it. I really like how I am and who I am and the way I am. I completely understand that I'm not for everyone, and I think I'm even less obnoxious than I used to be and now even love myself enough that I'm probably ready to find a nice guy. Hooray!

But how do I do THAT? How do I actually find The One?

In desperation, I've decided to officially write a Letter to the Universe to find me a man. I first read about it in this hippie-dippie new-agey Sally Huss book that says it has the "slam dunk formula to attract your man," which explains that if you write exactly the qualities you want in Your Man and put your letter up in your window, the force of the sun will activate the letter or something like that, and then presto you are fully married with babies.

Seems pretty foolproof.

Of course I probably also have to go on dates, too. The last "date" I went on was off that gnarly What's Your Price site which is, you know, essentially hookersville but I kind of did it on a dare (good excuse) and I met up for dinner with a short married Ivy-educated doctor.

He said I probably didn't have to worry about getting raped because I'm tall, explained a lot of things about stomach flora I was not aware of and then asked me what my body mass index was. Great checkup, doc. At the end of the night, when he gave me a hug, he palmed a hundred-dollar bill into my hand.

Anyway. It was nasty.

So BESIDES dating on non-hookery Web sites, how does that whole putting it out there to the universe thing and writing a letter to the sun work?

Well, the idea is that by developing a list of what you're LOOKING FOR it can be incredibly helpful because then you really synthesize your vision of what you're actually wanting in a mate. It's also important to know what your dealbreakers are.

Me? I'm a very spiritual person. I get down on my knees and pray every morning. It's the only part of my day that is an actual routine. But I tend to date atheists. I don't care. Whatever. Not a dealbreaker. I don't drink. Someone else does? Grand. I'm 6'2". You're a short dude? Fine. Married? Well, I do draw the line there. Sorry, open married guys. Short and doctorly is perfect though.

Anyway, the reason coming up with the list of what you want is so important is that without it: You might just be settling for whoever comes your way and slings a compliment in your general direction. No. We do not want that. Let's think about what we really actually want, shall we?

It's worked for me in the past. Like. Wanted: Long-haired musician. Got: Long-haired musician.

Wanted: Know-it-all intellectual. Got: Noam Chomsky fresh out of socialism sleep-away camp.

Now my list is even more specific. And I've put it up in the window! So according to Sally, my man should be strolling up to me, saying, "Howdy and hello, Mandy, and will you take me to be your lawfully wedded husband" like seriously any second. The sun just needs to activate it and shit.

Do you have must-haves in mates or friends? What are your must-haves on your man list? What do you think is the stupidest or most unrealistic thing on my list? Do I have too many things on there? Are there any actually good dating Web sites out there?

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Dear Sun, please bring me all of this. And a big dick. Thank you.

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