[The other day I was musing on the fact that we could do with a bit more proper grown-up sex advice on xoJane UK. As well as being very wise and worldly, Veronica used to be the sex and relationships editor on my old site, handbag.com. So I knew there was no-one better to answer my/your/everyone’s shagging dilemmas. In fact, please send some questions before next week, or Veronica will be forced to answer one of my questions, which will make her VERY uncomfortable. Anyway, over to you Veronica, oh wise one… --Rebecca]
I'm 31 and single for the first time since uni. I've been on a few dates with a new guy, and I think we're definitely going to do the deed sometime in the next few weeks. What's new in the world of sex?
Last time I did it with someone new, all my shagging knowledge was based on Sex And The City. Is a Rampant Rabbit and a Brazilian still the ultimate in kink? Help!
How strange! You could actually be one of my closest friends who was in the exact same position last year after her fella of 10 years decided he didn’t love her anymore (fool) and she suddenly had to contemplate having sex with someone else and he was her first and only! So she felt even more anxious, I’m sure.
Well, fortunately for you, unlike the fickle world of fashion sexual proclivities rarely come ‘in’ and ‘out’ of fashion. A person who has enjoyed your standard vanilla sex for the majority of their lives won’t suddenly decide come autumn/winter that leather is their new fetish and the only way they can get off is to dance around in head-to-toe leather with cut out holes for easy access. So you’re off the hook in that respect.
There’s pretty much nothing invented these days that those kinky Greeks didn’t do a thousand years ago so everything you need to know is already out there. What never goes out of fashion mind you, is making someone feel good. Isn’t that all any of us want? To feel desired and attractive and ultimately, have a great orgasm at the hands (or mouth) of someone other than ourselves.
And men folk feel like this too. They love to be touched and made to feel special, and quite frankly, they are going to be happy with any attention you pay their man bits. Especially with your mouth, let’s face it, men do love a blowjob (except this one guy who my friend dated who was a Catholic and actually couldn’t bear her mouth anywhere near him – she had to train him out of slapping her away from touching his disco stick – who knew men like that existed!?).
Anyway, I digress. The key thing here is enjoyment and effort. Obviously you can put in the effort and it can still be shit (the rabbit sex episode of Sex And The City is a prime example – pow pow pow head against the headboard is full of effort but shit for the woman getting her head imprinted into the top of the bed).
As long as you fancy the pants off him, you’ll want to please him, and he’ll want to do the same in return. That doesn’t mean you both won’t want to give and receive a bit of direction, a sly shift of the hips or more direct ‘left a bit, down a bit, harder’ is often welcome by the other party who generally just wants to make you happy.
Now, while men often say they don’t care what underwear a gal wears as he just wants to see it on the floor it won’t do you or your confidence any harm coming out in undies that are HOT. The sexier you feel the more likely you are to not worry about whether the moves you’re pulling in bed are in vogue or not, and just whether it’s getting you and him, off.
I have a bra that makes my fella want to have sex with me even if we’ve just done it because it’s so darn naughty, all hints of nip, black lace and hot pink. It’s expensive and it’s worth paying money for a set like this because let’s get this straight, nothing, NOTHING, from Ann Summers is sexy.
Coco de Mer is where it’s at, and lingerie from Myla, Mimi Holliday, Stella McCartney, some Elle MacPherson stuff if you’ve got small boobs. This is the kit I’m talking about…
And this lingerie is for you, not for him. You could wear it to Morrisons and still feel like Sophia Loren lounging around in Monaco in her heyday (I don’t know if she actually did that but it sounds like something her and her hips would do).
If you’re looking for more realistic, up-to-date sex advice that doesn’t come courtesy of HBO,then I can highly recommend SEX How To Do Everything by Em and Lo. Or, Tracey Cox has a sex book for everything and I seem to have lent my favourite one out, which is annoying, but Hot Sex: How To Do It, has been my go-to book for pretty much every sex question I’ve ever had. And apparently, it’s now one of my friends’ who needs to GIVE IT BACK.
Anyway, enjoy yourselves and if he does ask you to do something you’re not familiar with, give it a go. You never know, you might like it...
Got any boffing dilemmas you’d like our shagony aunt to help you out with? Tweet her on @vron18 or drop us an email firstname.lastname@example.org. We can change your name if you’re feeling bashful.