If you, like me, spend your days pinballing around in this crazy old ding-dong light-up world we call the Internet, you've probably already heard about Overly Attached Girlfriend, the latest meme that a lot of people you kind of know are posting on their various social media accounts. Which, whatever, crazy girlfriend cliche cliche cliche. Offended! Feminism!
What I think is really funny about this meme, though, is that it seems to ignore the actual reality of overly attached boyfriends, perhaps best typified by Jason Segal's turn as a needy long-distance boyfriend on short-lived Judd Apatow series "Undeclared."
I want a Jason Segal "Dreaming of You" pillow TODAY.
At the time this show aired, I was a college freshman still in a relationship with a long-distance boyfriend like the one Segal plays. The dude I left behind already had overly attached leanings, but when I moved 1,400 miles away and embarked on my new college life, he got seriously clingy, until his every move started to feel like the skittering of little kitten claws across my bare skin, unable to latch on.
He called over and over, demanding to know where I was and who I was with. He was convinced that every man I knew was trying to sleep with me and every woman was trying to get me to cheat on him. "If you loved me, you wouldn't need anyone else," he said.
He sent me elaborate care packages weekly that included multi-volume mix CDs based on our relationship and framed drawings of us in various fantasy locations (at the Grand Canyon, as if we were in the movie "Cat People, etc.). When I was home for the summer, he would read my diary. Eventually, I created a secret livejournal account, carefully clearing my history and deleting all evidence after posting.
The more comfortable I got with college life, the more desparately he smothered me, forcing me to spend hours with my cell phone cradled in the nook of my shoulder, assuring him I would never, ever leave him, which I meant for the first thousand times, but then started to doubt.
I kind of had a string of these guys, the kind who proposed marriage within a week of dating. I guess, with my typically low 19-year-old self-esteem, it made me feel good about myself to date men whose obsession placed me safely on a pedestal, cushioned from rejection by their over-the-top adoration.
My point being that love is a horrible thing that makes people of both genders act like fucking crazy maniacs. Overly attached boyfriends! They're a thing. Please back me up in the comments, while Destiny's Child plays us out.