Goddamit! I can’t find my notes from blow job school. Julie and I went to a seminar at Babeland, a sexy store in Soho here in New York, on last Thursday night or something.
Obviously I was like 40 minutes late, but it hadn’t started yet. Julie, being the generally dreamy assistant that she was, was there right on time and had been swilling champs for nearly an hour.
“Someone" -- uh-huh-- "spilled champagne on my blouse!” she slurred. Yes, she was wearing an actual blouse. Just look at the picture; I'm not making it up!
“GLITTERATTI PARTY CASUALTY, DARLING,” I snapped at her. “Sweetie, GET USED TO IT!”
This is why I’m the best boss. Just ask anyone (me), and they’ll (I’ll) tell you! Yes, I've been watching loads of "Ab Fab".
ANYWAY. DICK SUCKING CLASS. Blow Job University! Oral Sex Academy. College of Cocksucking! The Emily McCombs Institute for Professional Teabagging. The Deepthroat Center! I could go on, but instead I’ll just encourage you to go nuts (pun not intended, but it stays) in the comments section with your own clever whatevers.
Fine, they were not that clever. My brain is freaking death today! I’ve been locked INSIDE my house all day because I think I threw my KEYS away. At least that’s what the guy I’m dating says. More on HIM later. Not in this post though. I'd like him to keep his (very swag) job.
Anyway, the party was to celebrate the launch of a line of sex toys called Bedroom Kandi by Real Housewife of Atlanta Kandi Burress, a.k.a. the Housewife with a real music career and the woman responsible for the brilliance that is Kim Zolciak’s debut single “Tardy For The Party”. Which, hey, you can put on right here and make the SOUNDTRACK for this entire article. Don’t worry; I never write anything you’ll need a clear head for:
…as any regular reader of my column knows all too well.
Okay, so now that you have the music blaring, let's get to the sex toys! After all, one of the signature products from Kandi's line -- Happiness + Joy, Bedroom Kandi's clitoral-and-vaginal-stimulation vibrator answer ("vibrator answer"? Just go with it.) to the Rabbit -- can be hooked up to your iPod to pulse in time with the music!
No, it is not for nothing that Kandi is flossin' (sorry). Swag, bitch!
Here she and I are, incidentally. Kandi was looking decidedly saucier than I was; duh:
Shortly after I snagged this photo with Kandi, the lady took the stage! There was a whole crowd of primarily female and presumably horny fans, all drooling for dong. No, maybe that was just me and Julie.
There was some sort of issue with the microphone, but luckily, Kandi announced, she had “a big mouth.” And, I might add, a fly bright red manicure! I died for it. Those Housewives slay it in the fingernail game, obvi. She talked for a second about her sex toy line.
The second the floor opened up to questions, our hands shot up -- just because everyone else's did. And then I was actually the first person called on! Omigod. I had zero questions prepared.
I kicked Julie. But she didn’t say anything! Some assistant, that one.
Then my brilliant question: “What’s your number one oral sex tip?”
I glared at Julie as the crowd tittered at my awkward-way-to-start-the-Q+A-kind-of-question. Fucking useless as ever, Julie!
Luckily, Kandi was a lot cooler than we were. “No biting,” she said smoothly. “Also, your mouth should be very wet. And we all know that the hand-and-mouth synchronization is very important.”
“MMMM-HMMM…” the crowd around us murmured appreciatively.
Kandi kept going. “And then there’s this line right above the balls,” she said. “We call it the runway. I believe in taking the thumb and slightly rubbing it there. Now don’t stick your thumb where it shouldn’t go, but just…apply pressure to that area—“
“YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE GRUNDLE!” shrieked the woman standing next to Julie. She turned to us: “She’s talking about the grundle!” Julie and I nodded. "GRUNDLE," I scratched in Julie’s notebook, with Julie's pen (why bring your own when the assistant you torture will be somewhere with you?).
I have found the aforementioned lost notes, FYI, and am consulting them now. More blowjob and sex tips from the very loveable-in-person Kandi:
• Put PopRocks in your mouth before you go down on him. Let them start popping a bit, then give him oral with a side of sizzling sensation.
•Halls of Medicine cough drops work either on you or on him as a sexual aid. Put one in your mouth or is his mouth, then go down on each other for a tingly cool sensation that will drive you both crazy.
[I was sharing these with my friend Simon over AIM and he helpfully added to the Halls tip: “Also, if they scream, you’ll know that they have herpes.” Then: “Wait, that’s grapefruit juice.” Amazing as ever, Mr. Sperms.]
•Before sex, put “sugar in your pussy” [I AM TRANSCRIBING THIS STRAIGHT FROM MY NOTES. –Cat] [SWAG THOUGH!] It makes it sticky, so you’ll cling to your man. And when he goes down on you, he’ll get an extra sweet surprise.
And finally, what’s Kandi’s #1 gift idea from her line this holiday season -- even if your friend or sister is shy about sex toys? Her Bedroom Kandi lipstick-looking vibrator Kandi Kisses, which Kandi says is amazing because “It can be sitting right there on the coffee table with her kids running around, and no one will even know.” Umm, need I say it again? SWAG, bitch!
OK, so you know I want your favorite sex tips in the comments section, blowjob-y or otherwise, terrible or good. My “favorite” sex tip involves taking a spatula into the bedroom and beating your man with it; I obviously read it in Cosmo. Go!
Cat's on Twitter! The more followers she gets today, the harder she'll try to stop saying "swag."