Just A Few of the Things I've Put in My Vagina

The human body is a miracle! Let's stuff things into it.

May 14, 2012 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

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"Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?"

Much like patrons at a Chinese restaurant will tack on, "in bed!" to the end of their fortune cookie message, when I hear my fellow flame-haired hoarder sing those words, I can't help but add, "in my vagina."

On any given day, my cave of forgotten dreams is home to a plethora of fun little trinkets, like a furry little gift bag full of candy your mom won't let you eat. Whether it's that time of the month of that time of the evening when I'm feeling relaxed enough to write a piece on all of the wonders my love cavern holds, you can bet I'm packin'.

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The DivaCup

Let me preface this by saying I am not into menstrual blood. I don't like it, talk about it, or want it to sit at my lunch table. Despite my feelings about my little red nemesis, I have embraced the DivaCup.

Many years ago, an environmentally conscious friend of mine informed me that she was no longer using tampons. While my better judgment told me not to engage, in an effort to be polite, I responded, "Do go on! Tell me about what is in your vagina instead!" It was on this fateful day that I learned about the DivaCup, and I have never looked back. The cup is no bigger around than a silver dollar, and suctions beautifully into your snatch with just a slight twisting motion.

While I'm not, and may never be a woman who wants to paint the town red (intentional -- see what I did there?) upon the onset of my ladytide, I am happy to never have to spend a week throwing out blood-soaked reminders that I am not a mom. Also, it comes in a cute carrying case, and who doesn't like accessorizing things that will end up covered in your uterine lining?

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ParaGard

A pretty scary thing to look at, but not as scary as an unwanted baby's face!

My relationship with ParaGard, like my relationships with anything that spends a considerable amount of time in my nether regions, is complicated. Prior to having my IUD put in, I had been taking various birth control pills for over a decade and had grown tired of my boobs feeling like anvils strapped to my chest. In addition to making my body feel weird, I also had the unlucky Pill side effect of getting chased around the month by my period, like Pac Man trying to outrun icky little blood-covered ghosts, never entirely sure when they might strike.

Before getting the IUD inserted, which, at least in my case, involved an angry German doctor and a med student arguing over the degree to which my cervix was tipped, culminating in what felt like a kick to the cervix. But hey, I would never have to set a birth control alarm again! When I tell people about my current, preferred form of birth control, I find that they are often surprised, having been told, as I was, that women without children would not be able to get an IUD.

My very cool gynecologist, whose waiting room is full of gossip magazines and a TV that's always playing "Iron Man," explained the following to me: for many generations, the IUD was placed off-limits by doctors for women who hadn't had children because of the risks the device can pose. If a woman contracts an STD with an IUD in place, there is a possibility that she will become sterile.

To mediate this risk, many doctors would tell patients that they could only get one if they already had children, assuming that this would be a good indicator that they were in monogamous relationship, and thus less likely to contract an STD, and wouldn't be super-bummed if they were no longer able to pop out babies.

If you're a person who isn't awesome at doing something at the same time every day, the IUD, which goes in once and lasts up to 10 years, is pretty fucking amazing. However, if you're a person trying to outsmart your period, a non-hormonal IUD can be a big bag of suck. Every month, my period behaves like a bloody demon that someone is trying to exorcise through my vagina. People have needed transfusions after losing less blood than this. Despite my mega-menses, this has been the best decision I've made since switching from Blackberry to iPhone.

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The We-Vibe

My vagina is like a greedy child: it wants toys, it wants all of them, and it wants them now. As a teen, I visited nearly every sex store in the New York metropolitan area trying to discover what would tickle my fancy in ways that my perpetually stoned boyfriend didn't.

As a teen in the late '90s and early 2000s, I was heavily influenced by pretty much anything done on "Sex and the City" and, as such, became a devotee of the Rabbit, whose powers I still rely on today. However, it wasn't until I was in my mid-20s and looking for something that I could use while having sex with someone other than myself, that I found my true vibrator soul mate.

The We-Vibe is meant to be used either on its own or during intercourse, but, unlike many other gadgets that rely on leg straps and force your partner to attempt penetration around a five inch vibrating badger humming on your goods, the We-Vibe lives inside of your vagina. But how, you ask, will I ever be able to get other stuff in there with this purple dude occupying my snatch? It may seem daunting at first, but I assure you, if that hole can push out a human skull, it can accommodate both a penis and this little guy.

While the inside part pushes on your G-spot, the outer part vibrates on your clitoris and, most importantly, doesn’t get in the way or rub the skin off your vagina. Also, since it requires no batteries, you can plug it in right next to your iPod dock for a neat conversation starter at parties.

Enough about my pussy! What are your favorite vagina contraptions?

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