IT HAPPENED TO ME: I'm A Mom In A Closed Polyamorous Relationship
Poly. Open-ended marriage. Non-monogamous relationship. An agreement. Swinger. Wife swap. There are so many terms and they so change from person to person.
Relationships can be incredibly fluid so I decided to make up a whole new label for my relationship as it stands as of 11:54pm on 8-24-2013: Closed Polyamorous Relationship -- no one in the “couple” has any romantic relationships with anyone else. So how does one end up in a relationship with two men?
I met my boyfriend JP in December of 1998 when we were both still in high school. He was a class ahead of me and was kind of sassy to me the first time we met -- jerk. We dated exclusively after I asked him to go out with me upon his complaining that no girl would ever date him. Sometime over the next year I had started being flirty with one of his good friends, JM, and we would pass notes back and forth, but as we were both socially awkward introverts nothing ever happened that was even remotely close to sexy.
JP related to me that this made him feel uncomfortable and that he wanted me to choose between him and JM. I chose to stick with JP and that was the end of the conversation. This wasn’t a big drama production, there were no tears or cursing -- just statements made that he wasn’t happy with the direction our relationship was moving at this time. This is the only time we have ever had a discussion regarding jealousy -- I can’t say what changed in us/him in the future, but it did.
Me and JP became very close very fast and knew we would be together for many a long year. We had moved in together at some point in 2000 or so and things were “normal"(?) until April 2004. Now I have always been a big fan of texting/sexting/online chatting -- love it all to the point of obsession at times.
I must state I was not looking for a new relationship or anything serious, but I do live by the motto, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” I always hated in movies where a woman has to decide between the two men she loves and I’m like “PICK BOTH! TO HELL WITH MONOGAMY!”
Back to April 2004 -- I had started chatting with a guy from New Zealand, how exotic, (CI) and he was just really interesting and cool to talk to. Catching each other online once in a while turned into let’s make it a nightly thing turned into me telling JP, listen, I’m really into CI which is evidenced by how often I talk about him so, what do you think about him coming to visit sometime? JP is about as laid back as one can be so we talked, we discussed, and we laid out some ground rules.
After much back and forth and long night phone calls, web chats, and sexy fun times online, CI came to visit me on a temp visa in May 2006. I fell head over heels immediately. He was in a bit of culture shock coming from New Zealand and getting used to my very loud family.
By the time he left 3 months later, I like to think I stole not only his virginity, but his heart (ewwwwwwwww/awwwwwwww). We decided we wanted to get married. This may seem sudden to some, but I felt as strong in my convictions that day as I do now. So after spending the longest 14 months of my life, CI came back to the states in October 2007 to stay on a k-2 visa (married to a US citizen as of January 2008) until we can shell out enough for a naturalization test.
In January 2011 the three of us decided it was the right time financially and housing wise and such to have a baby. In September 2011 I got pregnant by… someone? (Look out for this part to hit the comments section!) I don’t know who the father is for sure (I have narrowed it down though, Maury) and that was a big fuck-up on my part.
My intention was to have my first child with JP as we had been together for nearly 15 years at this point and it just felt like the right order of things. Well, some idiot decided to have unprotected sex with her husband after a night of a few drinks and… yeah. I know it is my husband’s (a woman just knows?). I will do paternity testing in the near future when I get off my butt and fill out the whole one page form. I haven’t yet had to tackle difficult issues like which one will my daughter call "daddy" and who will be "dad" and who has to go to the parent teacher meetings and who signs permission slips. Get back to me in a few years and see how we’re doing.
To answer the usual nosy questions: we three sleep in the same room on a king sized mattress next to a twin. No, we don’t have threesomes -- we have, but they just ain’t that much fun. No, my guys do not sleep with each other nor is there sexual tension.
By this point in the article you are bored and can guess that our life is not the stuff of sordid tales told in sea shanties. As for daily life, JP and I work and CI picked the short straw and is the stay-at-home dad. (I say this in jest. That is an incredibly hard job and one that I could not handle. I stand in awe of all stay-at-home whatevers you may be.) At night we eat dinner, play badminton, read to the baby, watch Doctor Who, and toss uneaten baby cereal at the dog because it’s funny to watch him crunch stuff up. You know, boring life stuff.
I don’t know why polyamory works for some people and not others. There are many complicated issues that come into play in any relationship, let alone one between 3 adults. All I know is that no relationship can work without healthy communication and that is all that matters. This kind of relationship is not for everyone and I don’t expect everyone to respect it or understand it, just accept it for what it is. As my grandmother used to say “What do you care? You don’t have to sleep with ‘em.” (My grandmother is a very, classy, lady.)