I'm So Much Happier When I Have Sex

Sex is my antidepressant when it is awesome.

Apr 17, 2014 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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I had the best sex I've had in a while recently. It was good sex. It went on for a while. It was out-of-your-body yum yum forget your name type sex.

That's the kind of sex that I like.

I haven't had sex like that in a while. I don't have a lot of time for sex nowadays. Sex is just not that important to me because I have a lot of deadlines so when I am triaging, sex often gets kicked to the bottom of the list.

Also, I don't want to have sex with the majority of people.

Here are the people who I do not want to have sex with:

  • men who I am not attracted to
  • men who I do not want to have sex with
  • men who bug me and even if I may be attracted to them slightly enough to want to have sex with them I then imagine having to have a conversation with them for 5 minutes post-sex and I realize let's call the whole thing off
  • men who are so dumb that it physically hurts me
  • men who I want to punch
  • men who I don't want to have that psychic connection that sex often leaves you feeling whether you want it to or not on account of the whole oxytoxin release and, you know, science
  • men who I don't want to provide with the gift of sex
  • men who I have too much pride to let them think they could ever F me
  • men who I have F-ed in the past, and I want them to suffer the rest of their lives
  • men who are married
  • men who are weak
  • men who are scared
  • men who ask me every 2 seconds "You're not going to write about this are you?"
  • men who try to neg me too much
  • men who aren't funny and think they are funny
  • men who ask me a million questions
  • men who make me try to be the one to beg them to to hook up or hang out
  • men who won't shut the F up and talk a lot and are like, "Now just breathe, you can go farther, I know you can, yeah do that, OK, OK, yeah, no, no you can''t go to the bathroom, you're a squirter I can tell, come on keep going, keep going" and I'm like, "Dude, I just want to pee"
  • men who are real old
  • men who are real young
  • men who I think are trying to mindgame me or who I think against my better judgement I might get obsess-y over
  • men who are bad kissers or who seem like they are bad kissers

So that's that.

When I do have good sex, my brain is a lot more clear. I love that. It also gives me hope that it is feasible to have good sex somewhere in the world or the universe and that as a consequence all manner of achievement for humankind is possible. Because when I have bad sex or I don't have sex or I don't want to have sex because I don't have the right partner (the majority of the time), I lose hope. My brain starts justifying like, eh, sex really isn't that great. Why do I think sex is so great anyway? Sex isn't that great. There is no meaning to life. I should just move to Alaska.

But when I have incredible sex, I'm reminded of all the good and fireworks and eventualities in the world and that all of mankind will eventually come together someday in peace and harmony and joy -- at last, finally, synchronized and harmonized as one.

It's also fun to have the very filthy nihilistic kind of sex that is akin to a good boxing match with someone who you feel safe with and who respects and likes you so you can just kind of go to town without being worried later that they will be some dumbass who thinks they can then treat you like crap and that you will like it just because you are a sub in bed.

I like that, and it is rare to find something where you feel just fully refreshed afterward. It's rad.

I also have two different kinds of orgasms -- one is just a kind of physical something-something release. The other is a total release where all time and space ceases to exist and your entire body relaxes. The second one I would liken to gymnastics, where once you first achieve the backward handspring, you suddenly know that it is something you can achieve and then it is easier to achieve, again and again. I hadn't had the second kind in quite some time. So being reminded that I am capable of the elusive backward handspring offers a specific kind of life-affirming rush.

Am I alone in this very deep and earth-shattering sentiment? Are you happier when you're having sex? When was the last time you had good sex? Do you know what I mean about the whole two different kinds of orgasm thing? One being more superficial and robotic and the other one being like a release to all purgatory within your soul? Also: What kind of men or women are on your "no" list and why? TELL ME.