D*%k Psychology: Are You Still Scarred by the First Time You Saw a Penis?

I call it "Dick Psychology" -- how our initial, childhood interactions with pensies are projected onto every guy we've been with thereafter, whether postive, traumatic or benign.

Apr 16, 2012 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

I always want to get to the part of first seeing a guy's dick out of the way. 

First, so I can get to just being buddies with it and get beyond that initial uncovering -- hey there! --  where you just keep your eyes calm and figure out the right smile.

But also because I've never really quite gotten over being "surprised" by guys' dicks as an adolescent. And I don't think I'm alone. When my friends and I discuss our experience -- I call it "Dick Psychology" -- and about how our initial, childhood interactions with pensies are projected onto every guy we've been with thereafter. Your first encounter influences every encounter following, whether it's postive, traumatic or benign.

The first time I saw a penis was not voluntary -- I was caught off guard, and my naiveté was taken advantage of.

Ever since, I've been trying to “take back the night” and spring my sexuality on guys, trying to catch boys off guard and make their genitals recoil in fear and surprise. That fateful evening, when a quivering boy unexpectedly sprung his baby mushroom dick on too-young me, the foundation of my sexuality was erected.

In the following years, I continually aggressed boys, making them feel emasculated, I now believe, to avenge my former trusting self.

I've tried to shock or mortify guys by seizing the power of nudity first. When a chaste flirtation with an old friend escalated into a makeout one day, I responded by IMMEDIATELY getting naked and on all fours. He couldn't get hard or stay hard – it was all happening too fast, he said, and he was nervous. This kind of "get them first" shock tactic has kind of been my MO.

My friend who listened as I developed this theory gave me her first time/every time story. The first time she saw a dick was when she was hanging out as a teenager with a male friend who was wearing sweatpants. Suddenly, she saw something peeking out of his waistband -- now, as 20-somethings, we know this was the old tuck-the-boner-up-and-under-the-waistband trick. But at the time, she thought it was a terrible growth. But, like a lot of girls who had cocks just sprung on them as kids, my sweet girl just pretended she didn't notice.

Now, today, a grown woman, she also dreads meeting a new penis and says she has to try to act as cool as possible, almost as though she isn't even seeing it.

It seems that we're trying to conquer the insecurity and confusion we experienced during Encouter One. Whether it's a flasher or an idiot adolescent boy, being visually assaulted this way has had an impact on a lot of us: a dumb boy's penis head poked out of his pants then can make other people's bodies frightening to us to this day.

I asked another friend (because I needed more than just confirmation bias). The first time she saw a penis was at Youth Group when she was an insecure, overweight kid, dared to blow a guy. She did, for the sexual approval and attention, but she felt degraded and ugly, which was the exact intent of the fucking idiots around her. Nowadays, she's on a mission to Assassin Fuck every guy who ever rejected her or mistreated her for being fat. She fucks them and looks good doing it, then doesn't let them stay the night. Nocuddlingbutthanksyall, baii!!! You wanna treat me like I'm not a full human being whose feelings are worth considering? Fine, I'll take the initiative in assuming that's the emotional atmosphere. Let's fuck. Now, you leave.

The first time I gave a guy head, I was 16. (I believe this makes me a late bloomer -- it's cool.) There was a boy I used to have a HUGE crush on, so much so that I didn't think suspiciously of his insistence on taking a wildly circuitous route to drive me home from -- wait for it -- Jazz Band.

We ended up taking a detour into the wealthier part of town where the houses spread out and are set deeper into the woods. He stopped the car, and we sat atop a steep driveway. We made out, and that was cool and fun. Then he took his ugly little dick out. That was also cool and fine. He jerked off, and I felt weirdly adult, like I was learning something. I was seeing how boners worked and how penises are jerked off. Oh! You actually grip it and move it about? Cool. Got it.

Then he asked me to “finish it off.” Huh? “Suck it.”

Ohhh. I said I didn't really want to. He said, “Come on, just a little.” Nah, I really just didn't want to. This was already a lot to absorb, and his dick wasn't particularly appetizing. “Come on.” Ugh, I don't want to. “Please?”

At that point, it was whatever makes this moment end quicker.

I put my dry mouth on it for a few seconds, which was enough. He came on the twigs around us because, remember, we were on some unknowing family's property. He finally ACTUALLY drove me home, and I hated him.

I've thought about experiences like these so much since it happened, and used to be angry about it. I don't want to be angry any more, which is from where this Dick Psychology thing stemmed. If you're like me, your response to consensual penis interaction is still not optimal, even when you're feeling safe and relaxed and present.

Does being the aggressor or getting naked first make me feel like I've "won?" Did getting on all four and getting naked right away make me feel vindicated? Nope. I would rather been calmer, saner, and more sensitive to that guy's feelings. I don't want to frighten my sexual partners, and I would have preferred to actually get fucked instead of scaring the guy flaccid.

I kind of hate Freud, but I don't discount all of his ideas about trauma. But I like to think that talking about and confronting this stuff with other women -- thus, my friends and me and Dick Psychology -- is rooted in the idea that we can we can use memories of our experiences to figure out why we act the way we do and suss out the feelings we have about them.

Only you know the feeling you get when you see a penis, and only you know your own sexual history. It's hard for a lot of us to think about how it makes us act in bed. But it's easier if you remember that there are no right answers, just YOUR answer. But it's good to talk about with other women who have been there too.