I Would Do Anything (Sexually) For Love

Yes, including that.

Jan 4, 2012 at 1:00pm | Leave a comment

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A friend of mine, and I'm struggling to say this in a way this is not too identifying, works at a place where she is forced to deal with listening to many crazy people talk. She's not a therapist! Or a hooker. Think customer service.

Anyway, she does a very funny impression of a woman she has waited on who likes to overshare extremely inappropriate information, perhaps most strangely, that she would be willing to have sex with a dog if her partner really wanted her to. My friend thinks she has a drug problem.

She has a particularly funny voice and accent and states her willingness to have sexual relations with a canine in such a shockingly memorable way, that it never fails to crack me up when my friend says it. I mean, it kills me. It will never get old.

Don't worry, this isn't an article about me having sex with a dog! Exactly.

I don't think I would ever have sex with a dog, because it would be cruel to the dog. But it's not exactly that I wouldn't do it because I have some kind of personal limitations or value system around sexual activity. AND we're back to boundaries. Developing them is the great struggle of my 20s.

Again, I am NOT saying I would have sex with a dog! And definitely not Sid, IT puppy pictured above and xoJane's unofficial mascot. He's just a baby! But on some level, I relate to the sentiment behind crazy lady's statement.

Because the list of things I would not be willing to do for my man is very, very short.

I belong to the Tammy Wynette school of "Keeps a Home Together"-style GOOD LOVING, also known as "If you're not doing it, some other ho will." And thanks to the aforementioned lack of sexual boundaries, I know what weird stuff men go for when the sky's the limit. Yes, your man wants his butt licked. Yes, your man wants to cum on your face. If he's seen it in a porno movie, he probably wants to do it.

I like that stuff! I'm not suggesting anyone do anything they don't like to do. But I am saying that if I was dating someone who was into something that I didn't particularly like, but that didn't outright disgust me (say, masturbating on my toes), I'd do it.

God, this post is getting so dirty. Eric just turned to me and asked what I was writing about. I said I was writing about how I'll do pretty much anything sexual a boyfriend wants me to do. Then he asked, I kid you not, "Would you put birdseed in your vagina and let an ostrich eat it out?"

No, Eric, that would be scary. But I admire your creative mind.

But there's lots of stuff I would and have done that I wasn't particularly into, like all those threesomes I've had where I did all manner of stuff to women despite not actually really being attracted to them. I wouldn't do something that is fundamentally immoral or would hurt someone else, but I might be willing to do something illegal, like sex in public.

I feel like my sexual default mode is always, "Why not?" A perfect example: I once had a boyfriend who really wanted me to pee on him. I wasn't grossed out by the idea, but it did nothing for me on a sexual level. But what the hell, right? It's not like I was saving that urine for anything.

So one night we hopped in the tub and I unleashed a stream on his face and body. He got all gasp-y and hot, we rinsed off and proceeded to have hot sexy times for the rest of the night. Peeing on him didn't turn me on, but fulfilling a fantasy and pleasing the man I loved did. 

So, yes, bring me your perverted ideas, your kinkiest desires, your weird fantasies, yearning to breathe free. I am the vagina of liberty. At least if I love* your freaky ass. Is that romantic, or just more of my ISSUES?

 

*Love is not actually required, I'm just trying to sound less slutty.