I Wish My Porn Wouldn’t Try To Be Politically Conscious

The last thing I want to do while looking at porn is think.

Jan 25, 2012 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

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We're all, men and women alike, a little bit ashamed that we “use” porn.

We like to pretend we're open minded, live-and-let-live, who-cares-what-others-think sex positive, guilt-free people, but we most certainly are not. We very deliberately double-check that we've cleared the web history in all of our browsers before we haul our ailing iMacs to the Genius Bar.

And there is no smaller increment of time in the universe than that instant in between “finishing” and closing a porn web page. Have you ever continued watching your porn for more than half a second after an orgasm? It's f#$%ing disgusting. What is with that woman's implant scars? And why is that guy flexing his bicep? It's the worst.

I like to just compartmentalize my porn usage. I pretend that the part of me that watches porn is some other guy. I'm a well-adjusted member of society with things to get done, while the porn guy is a weirdo with suspiciously few qualms about the word “milf.”

My ability to compartmentalize this way, however, was drastically impaired on January 18th. I typed in the URL for one the sites that I “use,” and, instead of porn, found a letter encouraging me to keep potential censorship in mind the next time I voted.

YIKES.

For those of you who might be unaware, the 18th was when many sites decided to go dark to protest the potential passage of SOPA (the Stop Online Privacy Act), and, apparently, this porn site was participating in that protest.

Oh.

Suddenly, I found that the me who watches porn and the me who contributes to society were no longer separate. The intellectual side of my brain supported the idea of protesting a law that would likely make censorship easier, and the porn side of my brain, while mildly annoyed that there was no video sex flooding into his eyes, was glad that a porn site was making a stand against what could be an existential threat. I was in agreement with Porn Guy, and that is very rare for me. Normally I can’t stand that guy. He’s creepy, and, to be honest, kinda messy.

But, even though two sides of me were able to come together in opposition to SOPA, I am still very much against porn sites participating in any kind of social movement -- at least of the "political protest" type. (Sexual politics of the safe sex, sex positive, feminist etc variety are a whole other kettle of fish.)

Please -- keep your politics out of my Internet porn. Why? Because politics make you think, and the last thing I want to do while looking at porn is think. If you start thinking about Congress during porn, it never goes to a good place.

Not once have I ever seen porn that made me say, “Their wedding is going to be beautiful!” or even just “They seem nice.” Instead I start imagining these women’s dads calling them whores at Thanksgiving and the guys, you know… generally being awful assholes. This may not be the case, but it's where my brain goes when I let it.

I get that the passage of SOPA could ultimately affect all of us negatively and that this porn site, even if out of pure self-interest, was helping spread the word. But don’t do that, porn! Just be the dumb soulless thing you were meant to be, and leave the social justice to us. We’ll take care of it as soon as we close your web page. And then probably have a snack.