It still feels strange to acknowledge it, but yes, I gave my boyfriend oral sex with the use of an orange. I almost couldn't start because I was laughing too hard, and he was laughing just as much. Everything about it felt unnatural and strange. Still, I persevered and just went for it. The best part of this entire experience was that I didn't hate it. In fact, I kind of enjoyed it. If you're at all curious, I recommend giving it a try. Going in with a fun, silly attitude makes it way better. Trying to be sexy while figuring out how to cut a hole into a grapefruit the size of your partner's penis isn't the best idea. You won't look sexy. You can't take yourself seriously when doing something like this. Maybe that's why he and I tried it in the first place.
A few months ago I had a friend come up to me with a hilarious video that she thought I would love. We have weird, inappropriate humor but I sure as hell wasn't prepared for what I saw. It set in motion a series of events that I can only describe as unusual.
The YouTube video started and a woman named Angel showed up on screen. She was giving tips on how to grapefruit a man. What is grapefruiting? Prepare yourselves for this; you put a grapefruit on your partner's penis and give him oral sex. Yes, this is real. Naturally, I burst out laughing. Cutting a hole into a grapefruit to help you give head is something I never imagined would enter someone's mind. I mean, I've heard of people incorporating food into their sex lives, but nothing quite like this. Whipped cream and strawberries are one thing, but fruit wrapped around a penis is an entirely different idea.
Sometime later I remembered the video. The images of Angel and that grapefruit were burned into my brain, and I'm still surprised that I managed to forget about it. I found the video and showed it to my boyfriend. We both laughed. He seemed totally shocked, but we looked at each other and without saying anything, we both knew we wanted to try it. Now, Angel specified that a navel orange could be used in place of a grapefruit, which is what we happened to have in the house. The taste of grapefruit is too bitter for me anyway and that substitution seemed like a great idea. At this point, we were committed to trying it. So there we were, searching the kitchen for fruit, and trying not to look suspicious. Did I mention that his parents were in the next room?
Flash-forward to sitting on the bed. We were trying to cut a hole into the orange between fits of laughter and a lot of "what the f*ck are we doing?" jokes. Even if this little experiment turned out to be weirder than we thought, it would still be interesting. It's not often you get to try something this bizarre. We've never been the most typical people, but this was definitely beyond our realm of normalcy.
Without being too graphic, it got messy. I wasn't expecting it to be clean and tidy, but I ended up washing pulp out of my hair in the shower that night. There was orange juice everywhere. Things were stickier than they should have been. The aftermath wasn't pretty, but on a more positive note, I do like the taste of oranges. The flavour didn't bother me. In fact, I really enjoyed it.
The creative sex genius that is Angel said that the grapefruit technique would feel like getting head and having sex at the same time. While that's not exactly how my boyfriend described it, he was still pretty impressed. We didn't follow all of the guidelines so maybe our results were skewed, especially since this whole adventure is supposed to be a secret to the recipient. We didn't have a blindfold handy, as recommended, so none of this was left to the imagination. I think it's probably easier to enjoy it when you're not looking; seeing your girlfriend give you a blowjob with a piece of fruit can be a bit of a boner killer. We settled for him just closing his eyes.
Since the first attempt, we haven't tried to recreate the grapefruit technique. Don't get me wrong, it was exciting and all, but as more of a one time deal. Am I opposed to doing it again? No. Is my boyfriend? Probably not, but it will lack the spontaneity that made it so interesting. Next time, if there is a next time, we might get through it with fewer giggles. That's all part of the fun though; if you can't laugh during sex, you might be doing it with the wrong person. You shouldn't be laughing all the time, but sometimes funny and awkward things happen. Like putting fruit on penises.
What started out as a joke turned into a very interesting night, and I have to give thanks to my friend for showing me the video in the first place. Without her, I probably wouldn't have ever discovered anything as odd and creative as the grapefruit technique.