Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
It's been a few years since I've had sex with someone besides myself, so I have a lot of time to think about and imagine (OH, THE HORROR!) what my coming sexual relationships will be like when the person I'm with realizes I don't give blowjobs on the reg.
Don't get me wrong -- I have put penises in my mouth in the past, but only when I didn't feel pressured into doing it. Or if I was really drunk with liquid courage and super horny. Since I no longer drink, the odds of me giving someone a blowjob "just 'cause" are fading fast.
It may appear that I'm prudish, or that I don't like penises (I actually totally do) on the surface, but in reality, there are a few reasons why I feel this way.
One of them is the fact that I was sexually molested as a young child. I am finally dealing with this issue as a grown woman, but I am realizing that that single situation has helped form who I've become as an adult. The drinking, drug use, questionable actions and decisions in my life are now making a little more sense to me.
It's difficult going through life always wanting to get messed up all the time so as not to have to FEEL anything, but it's super hard trying to find peace within yourself by dealing with said issues and attempting to stay sober while doing it. I'm trying, though.
But, I also feel that since someone did this to me, I was the one who suffered by holding it in for over 30 years and god dammit, I am not doing it anymore. This, to me, is one small opportunity to take a piece of my power of choice back that this disgusting man took from me as a young girl.
Another reason is that I really hate the feeling that I owe you sexually. Nope. I don't play that. I realize it may sound incredibly selfish for me to enjoy receiving oral sex and then falling right to sleep after, but it's not like I'm asking you to do it. I'm LETTING you. Big difference, in my book.
I suppose it's only fair to lay some of the blame for my selfishness on the generous lovers I've had over the years who would pleasure me and required nothing from me in return. But honestly, I am aware that everyone deals with these types of situations differently. I'm not saying that my vagina is made of gold and is, oh, so desirable. Or made of cronuts, therefore anyone who goes near it immediately has the need to munch on it.
And I don't mean to insinuate that everyone I've ever been with sexually was okay with it, because that's not the case, but those are the men that don't get to be near my delightful flower. Straight up. I finally feel that, as a woman, it's okay to want to be satisfied, and without feeling a fellatio transaction is owed in return.
I am really just discovering how I feel about this as a newly sober adult, but I used to be a little slutty when I was in my early twenties, so this is from where I'm drawing my experiences.
But, even though I have had my share of men and one woman over the years, I have never felt obligated to return the favor when it came to oral sex.
Eventually, a friend I was sleeping with was the first to go down on me. I'm pretty sure he was excited to be the first person to do this to me, so I was advised to lay back and relax. Afterward, he didn't try to move my head in the direction of his penis, something that girls ABSOLUTELY LOVE (yeah, right), so as to imply that it was his turn.
By the time I was 21, I was in a relationship with a 35-year-old man and had finally given my first blowjob that year, by choice. It was fine, no great shakes, really. I felt comfortable in the relationship and wanted to try something new since my boyfriend at that time was a little more laid back.
It lasted almost a year, then he ended the relationship with me because he moved out of state. We saw each other off and on for a few years after that when he'd fly me out to visit him wherever he was living and when he'd come back home to visit. Even then, he was all about satisfying me and never asked for anything in return.
After that break-up, I started going out with my girlfriends again and partying a lot more as well. I started working as a bartender in a really fun bar, so there was even more drinking, making out and random hook-ups. Even though I regularly kissed PEOPLE and often slept with them, I rarely performed oral on anyone.
Eventually, I was in a long-term relationship that ended suddenly, but throughout the relationship, my partner was almost always into taking care of me first and foremost. Because we were so close and extremely comfortable in our sex life, we talked about and did SO MANY THINGS together in the bedroom.
But, he was always aware of the fact that I was not into giving blowjobs regularly. He would still ask me, and because I liked him, I obliged a lot -- if not most -- of the time, but that was also after we'd been together for a number of years. When it came to our sex life, we communicated really well and that helped a lot when it came to getting down to the devil's business.
When talking with my close girlfriends who range from single, to married to divorced, to dating again about this subject, their opinions and thoughts differed. One friend said she felt it was definitely give and take, regardless of feeling tired, lazy, just not into it, etc. But she also added that her partner was currently in trouble with her "and enduring a blowjob strike for his recent misbehaving."
If it seems like she is withholding sex as a form of punishment, then maybe she is. But it's entirely a choice in her relationship and I am totally down with that because they discussed it and agreed upon it.
Another friend says that she is always more than happy to reciprocate with her partner. Due to busy schedules, she admits to sometimes having to schedule sexy time and she loves to make the best of it. She also admits to having finally perfected her BJ skills in her age and the short amount of time they sometimes have, so she doesn't mind the give and take.
Another friend admitted to being of both minds when comes to reciprocating oral sex. She said it's taken her a number of years to finally be able to orgasm on the regular, so because of that, she's happy to repay her lover. She also admits that she'll get off and fall right to sleep after, if that's what she's feeling at the time.
It's pretty damn refreshing and liberating to be able to talk about this as a 37 year-old-adult, because as a younger woman, I was more likely to get drunk and go with the flow, if I was uncomfortable with something sexually. Now, I've created boundaries for the inevitable sexual relationships that are in my future.
How do you all feel about this? Do you repay oral favors even when you'd rather sleep or do something else? Do you feel it's absolutely give and take?