Ask Emily: How Do I Make This Special Request In Bed?

"For example, 'I want to watch you masturbate' or 'I want to watch you jack off.' Is one too clinical and the other too graphic?"

Jul 15, 2011 at 3:02pm | Leave a comment

I really enjoyed your sexual ninja article but it got me wondering, "How do you say it?" For example, "I want to watch you masturbate" or "I want to watch you jackoff." Is one too clinical and the other too graphic? What are our options? Is there a middle of the road? Sorry that I sound like Carrie Bradshaw but I've been watching sex and the city reruns.  Thanks! Shannon

So, this is a skill that can come in handy when you're feeling really lazy and you want him to finish up but you don't actually want to put any effort into getting him there. I have a friend who is a massage girl who also uses this, because she doesn't touch but guys are so stupid that they believe it's because she gets off on watching guys do it themselves. They actually buy that.

You really don't have to layer more than the thinnest layer of believability on top of your fantasy cake and guys will buy it. It's sort of like time-traveling back to the stone ages and having everybody be like "Wizard!" when you just like, have a cell phone.

So I would say there's nothing wrong the phrases "masturbate" or "jack off" as long as you commit to the statement. No nervously mumbling -- it will only get more awkward if he goes, "What did you say?" and you have to repeat it.

I recommend asking, "Can I watch you masturbate?" all breathless and hopeful like you're asking for delicious candy.  Think: Oh gosh, I'm embarassed to even ask but it would just delight me so.

But if you're uncomfortable with either of those options, I think "touch yourself" is a nice middle ground.  "Oooh, touch yourself for me. That looks so hot. "

Really the key to dirty talk in general, is just to let yourself get really weird, because you're supposed to be so driven out of your head with sexual passion that you're just like, yelling consonants. You can be all like "Yeah, put it in my dogmouth,you hot sex clown" or whatever and he'll just be like "Damn, she's really into it." So don't worry too much about what words you're using. The only thing you can really do wrong is to accidentally talk about your cock or his pussy, and that's just funny.

I made a little video demonstrating some of my favorite dirty talk lines and it is definitely NSFW. In fact, it may be not safe for my work, I have to run this by Jane. Dear advertisers, please do not watch this.

All this stuff sounds a lot stupider when I'm not actually aroused/having sex, but you get the idea.