How to Meet Dudes for Sex Online (Without Getting Serial Murdered)

When I was a college student, I used an email that was traceable enough that I was blackmailed by a guy who threatened to put posters all over my campus with my picture and saying what a SLUT I WAS if I didn't meet him!

Aug 30, 2012 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

Mailbag time!

If you don't feel like watching the video: here's the question:

I know you've written about meeting guys from Craigslist before. I want to meet a guy I met on Twitter that lives 10 hours from me. We've been talking every day since November. I really like him but I'm not interested in dating him, as it's not practical. I pretty much just want to bone. How do you go about meeting someone for sex in a safe way? Or is it not even worth the risks involved?
 
Well, the first obvious point is that you really shouldn't have to travel 10 hours to get laid. I don't even really like to take the subway to get laid, much less like, a journey. If I have to stop to use the bathroom on the way to sex, I'm out. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that there's something about this guy that makes him especially boneable, like he has hot tattoos or he gives really good compliments. A long-distance tryst can be fun as long as you don't get casual-sex murdered. So for once I am gonna tell you what you should do, instead of what most people actually do, because murder is serious business.


Don't use your real information.

If you met this guy on Twitter, he probably already knows who you are, but if you're meeting guys through a site like Craigslist, don't use your real-life (or work, gawd) email address. Even if it's not your name, it's probably connected to you somewhere in Google. And if he knows your name, it's probably just a hop skip and jump to knowing your workplace, address, etc. When I was a college student, I used an email that was traceable enough that I was blackmailed by a guy who threatened to put posters all over my campus with my picture and saying what a SLUT I WAS if I didn't meet him! In retrospect, I doubt he would have actually gone to all that trouble, but it scared me at the time. Think how easy I'd be to blackmail now, what with all my informations and whatnots on the Internet. Never underestimate the crazy shit men with boners will do. This is also why you shouldn't invite strangers over to your house -- what if they get drunk and wander back like abandoned, pussy-tracing dogs?

Before using a casual sex site, go to Yahoo and make a dummy email address with all fake information -- mine was something like "dirtylittlesecret@yahoo.com." Make sure you always sign out of this email, so in the event of your death (from natural causes), your parents won't come to your house and read it.

On the other hand, get his real information.

I just realized this is a very heterocentric article. Is it sexist of me to think if you're meeting a woman for sex, she's less likely to murder you than a man? I know even "good stereotypes" like the one about black dudes having huge penises are harmful, but can we just be glad women aren't stereotypically sex murderers? Anyway, as I explained in the video above, I mostly just peered at dudes faces and tried to determine if they had the eyes of a killer but you should actually get his full name and real phone number and post it somewhere visible in your house before you leave. It won't save you from getting killed, but it will serve as an excellent starting point for anyone who decides to avenge your death. One of you fuckers best avenge me if I'm anonymous sex murdered. 

And on the non-murder tip, make him send you lots of different pictures in different settings and from different angles so you can make sure you find him physically attractive. Anybody can look super hot with an iPhone and filters from 6 inches away, but you want to get an accurate idea of what this guy really looks like in person. You can also tell a lot about a person from seeing his Facbebook or whatever -- at least if he has friends.

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Which of these women would you rather have sex with?


Tell someone where you're going.

You don't have to tell your mom, just tell your slutty roommate or whatever, so somebody knows where you are and when you're expected back.

Meet in a public place.

I totally hate doing this because it takes longer to get to the sex, but it's a good idea. Not only so you don't walk directly into a torture dungeon, but so you can call the whole thing off if you're not feeling it. This can be awkward. I have totally had sex with people I wasn't actually attracted to just because I felt obligated, but let's all work on valuing ourselves more than that. Think in advance about a line you'll feel comfortable using if there's no spark in person. I would go with something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not really feeling this" or "I didn't know I would feel this way, but I'm uncomfortable. I need to call this off."

The one time I did successfully use one of those lines was when I showed up for a threesome and the couple had obviously been doing drugs all day and was completely tweaked. The girl kept pacing around the room with this weird frozen expression on her face and her pants falling off. This was back when I loved drugs, but their behavior was even too weird for me. I pretended I had to pee and went into the bathroom to work up my courage and then totally told them I had to go. Good choices!

Meeting strangers is always going to have some measure of risk, whether you find them online, at a bar or at the grocery store. If you follow these guidelines to minimize risk, I don't think meeting through the web is much more dangerous than meeting other places. But do keep in mind that while the person you are chatting to is most likely just a normal person like you, you really don't know them. While it is human nature to be trusting, you should consider the possibility that they could be crazy or dangerous in your initial dealings. The latter applies to any strange man. (Or woman! I've gotten too intimate way too quickly with new girlfriends who turned out to be batshit insane.)

Here's another piece of advice I didn't always take myself: Use condoms! And call me after! I wanna live vicariously through your stranger-banging.

Ask me more questions on Twitter @msemilymccombs

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