YOU ARE THE ADVICE COLUMNIST: How Do I Get Over My Porn Hangup?

Why am I still so anxious, even with a great new guy?
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Why am I still so anxious, even with a great new guy?
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I never used to have a problem with porn. I joked about it with boyfriends, watched it in big groups with friends, and watched it in the comfort and safety of my own room. I have a fetish, so my porn tastes are unique and specific, and the stuff I watch is created and provided solely by amateurs who are interested in the community -- it's all very consensual and positive. I've never been an overt fan of big budget porn mostly because of the rumored problems with the field, but otherwise never really had any issue with it.

However, I had a bad LTR that made me start to really question porn and the way it can be consumed. This specific ex-boyfriend was REALLY into porn. We watched it together at first, no problem, and had a healthy sex life for the first few months of our relationship. But after he moved in, it began taking over our lives. While I was at work or in class, he would watch porn for hours, chat with cam-girls, and solicit personal nudes from girls on Tumblr. After I came home and would try to initiate sex, he would be "too tired" and unable to come or maintain an erection. It was hard for me because I masturbate occasionally, but I have absolutely no problem additionally engaging in sexual activities afterward. The relationship was also plagued by emotional abuse, so I stayed for two years, and during this time, he continued to watch copious amounts of porn and become too tired to get intimate with me. It would last for weeks at a time. This really took a toll on my self-esteem and my nerves as I have a high sex drive and thrive off of physical intimacy.

After we broke up and I started seeing other people, I dated several other guys who were really into porn and insisted on bringing it into our sexual relationships, which I really wasn't into. One of them even told me that my boobs were too small because he was used to BBW porn. Obviously, these relationships were short-lived, and I finally have settled down with a new guy. It's been about a year, and he's wonderful -- we're incredibly sexually compatible, and he never makes me feel inadequate or uncomfortable. However, the weird feelings about porn still linger. I worry that someday he's going to "show his real self" and either lose interest in sex, or leave because of some imagined physical imperfection that doesn't match up to the porn he watches. I know he watches it occasionally, and I really DO want to be okay with it because I don't ever want to make him feel guilty...so how do I get over these irrational fears? I secretly felt really crummy the other day when he almost wasn't able to come with me because he had masturbated earlier -- the first time something like that had happened in a whole year of dating. So what gives? Why am I still so anxious, even with a great new guy? Do you have any advice to get over this porn hangup?

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