The government shutdown is here. Thousands of people won't get paid. Benefits might not get doled out to grandmas and veterans. I don't have a lot of answers for those issues, but I do have advice on one area in particular.
That area is Government Shutdown Sex.
Usda.gov may not load for quite some time, but you know what might? Yeah. You feel me. So here are my simple instructions.
Post this elegant ad to your online dating profile of choice, and let me know how it all works out.
"For the first time in 17 years, the government is shutting down. Wow. So many emotions. I feel lonely. I feel restless. I feel like I'm ready to do unspeakable acts in the bedroom in protest of this world gone mad. Anything could happen, really. You might meet me at a bar tonight. I will be a naughty nonessential worker. You will be a member of Congress still getting bank. That's when our eyes will lock. Can we fornicate our way out of this crisis? We just might be able to, citizen. We. Just. Might."
Hit "publish." Confirm. Presto. You're about to have that event-specific brand of sex -- be it GSS (Government Shutdown Sex) or "Obama Got Re-Elected Sex" or "Britney Spears Is No Longer On The Voice Sex" that is the most meaningful kind of sex to have.
Purposeful. Timeframe driven. Something to tuck away in your memory book with a little frayed newspaper clipping.
Do you already have a partner you'd like to get busy with to protest/celebrate/suffer through in the name of GSS? Even better. Whisper in your partner's ear: "Is it just me or does this government shutdown make you feel kind of wild?" Then trace your finger down your partner's leg and say in a husky whisper: "You do realize this means they turned off the panda cam, don't you?" Follow it up with light kisses as you say, "And all the national parks are shut down, too. But you know what hasn't shut down? My desire."
Once your partner stops laughing, get naked.
Something more serious in mind -- like you're ready to propose? Now is the perfect time. Get down on one knee. Try this speech: "The government may be shut down, but our love will never be." (Prepare to be rejected, but what a great story!)
Trying to maneuver your way into a breakup so that you can have unhinged GSS with no obligations or cares in the world? Also a perfect time. "I don't know," you say, casting your eyes downward. "It's just with everything so crazy right now. The government shutting down, I think we might be best to take a break. To -- shut down as it were." (Prepare to get punched, but what a great story!)
If you also want to work in the ending of "Breaking Bad" into the entire affair just simply say when you are finished: "Government Shutdown Sex. I did it for me."
Genius? The opposite of genius?
Have you ever had event-driven or crisis-inspired sex? I had New York Electrical Blackout sex once, but shut it down when it came time for a Hurricane Sandy Hookup. Let's play Government Shutdown I Never. And, go.
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.