No doubt, one of the standout wedding gifts we received was a bedroom TV. Beds are more comfortable than couches and why stop watching "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" when it can lull you into a blissful afternoon nap and dreams of feathered booty shorts and crappy fly-by-night home construction?
Waking to "Hoarders: Buried Alive" is a little terrifying, but the old skateboard dude pulled it together, and I was stoked to see the droopy-eared-and-eyed dog statue found a place of honor in the crapper.
But TLC is more than just a generic sleeping channel. The show that snuck up on me turned out to a little number called "A Baby Story." Holy mama. I was working from home the other morning, or more accurately, from bed (new laptop=new levels of lazy luxury), and I flipped the tube back on. Some family was returning to China to adopt a second daughter, very sweet and interesting. Good enough background noise for me.
Then some weird stuff happened. Into the second or third episode of truly not looking up, I thought some pirate channel had porno’d my television! I was getting tingly. What on earth were these realistic sexy sex sounds doing on my box? Do you see where I’m going with this? IT WAS A LADY BIRTHING.
So inappropriate, but she was the hottest thing I’ve heard. Super exhausted and whispery with a rhythmic cadence that resembled intercourse talk, but with a believability you don’t get from people paid to have sex. Yes, I know, because she WASN’T HAVING SEX.She had the familiar moans of one (me) who has thrown herself on to a fence post so many times she adjusted to the pain.
You guys, I was taking major notes! There was a bit that was so hot, I sincerely want to steal it and add it to my own repertoire. Birthing lady, in otherworldly exhaustion, ever so softly lays this down: “Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh, am I dying? Am I dying?” TOTAL LOAD-BLOWER.
I swear I wasn’t masturbating in bed, but I got extremely useful tips from this, I would assume, nontraditional source. I’m a horrible twitchy-below-the-belt person. Am I?
OK, I have to know, what’s the oddest place you’ve picked up sexual inspiration from?