Buzzfeed recently compiled the most searched terms on adult websites and made a little movie of them.
I watched it eagerly, because I am a pervert and I get curious about this stuff.
Words on their own are often such strange things to think about.
Words in a sexy context often even more so, especially when you factor in the web.
Picture it: Someone’s motor is getting started, the great horns are upon them. Do they fall to the ground in a hot quick session of self-love on the floor of their local Laundromat? No. Instead, the urge to tickle one’s pickle or flick the bean all the way to pleasure town arises (PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED, SORRY JANE) and they quietly wait until they are in the safety of their home or the children's section of their local library, and then it’s off to the races, or in this case, the computer.
You’d think that on a mission to simply get the job done, the less active searching that had to be involved the better. I expected a list of words like “cock," “vagina parts” and “boobs” translated into different languages.
With the exception of Iran (where “pussy” was the most searched term*) this was the not the case. For the most part, the searches are specific.
Take the Ukraine, where one of their most searched phrases is “Raincoat (gay)." I have so many questions, namely, what makes a raincoat gay? Is this golden shower related? Is this just sex in a raincoat between gay people? Is raincoat slang for foreskin? Or condom maybe? Can a raincoat be bi? Is this a rubber fetish thing? Is a hoodie acceptable? Don’t you need more than a raincoat, gay or otherwise, in Russia due to the extreme cold? Something with fur perhaps? The biggest question I have is who on god’s earth has time when looking for wank bank materials to USE PARENTHETICALS?
Ultimately, it makes sense.
As humans, we have a deeply driven need to be unique, which is something almost impossible to be seeing as how our planet crawls with other mostly-hairless bipeds who probably did better in high school than we did.
Our sexuality stands alone as a place where we can wave our freak flag high. I guess in the Ukraine that flag just happens to include parentheticals and gay raincoats. At least that search is more interesting than say, Finland’s search for “mature,” or Russia’s search for “mom." We get it, Russia and Finland. You want to fuck your moms, we’ve all been there.**
Maybe another reason the terms are so specific is because if you go to say, Google, and type in “cock” you will be immediately presented with definitions for male chickens.
Also in the mix, a YouTube video of a bonehead asking people if they want to see his cock before presenting them with an ambivalent rooster, one step away from squawking “it’s a living," Flintstone’s style.
After parsing the results, I can safely say that the only thing more boner-killing than having to parse search results, is some asshole carting a rooster around.
If you go to an actual porn site and type in “cock” the results are equally daunting albeit for very different reasons. Basically, you will not be able to see which cock you might enjoy the most, because your eyes will have been blinded by semen.
As it stands, there is some literal cock on the Google results page. Ads for the aforementioned porn sites run down the right hand side of the page, and a Vice article on how to suck an uncut cock, which seems helpful and is probably best read with some Chicken Cock Whiskey at hand.
Thankfully, the search results can help you acquire a bottle. Or 12.
In South Africa, specificity does in fact seem to be the name of the game. “Poop,” one of their most searched terms, is straightforward enough, but “biggest orgy” seems to suggest a process of trial and error. It conjures up images of a history involving several citizens honing and refining their phraseology as their searches led them to threesomes and the more low-key gangbangs.
“No, no, no,” you can almost hear them mutter, “This orgy is simply not. Big. Enough.” In America, we keep it pretty boring.
The only one really worth mentioning is “MILF” if only because if you are searching for a woman who looks like a mom on a porn site, the notion that you’d like to fuck her really should be implicit.
So thanks for NOTHING "AMERICAN PIE" MOVIE.
The results were ultimately not that surprising. That I had hoped to find a lot of bestiality and videos of people crying or still montages of Kevin Costner is probably just further proof of my own perversion.
I had hoped to find the ASMR phenomenon too, muttering, “They say it’s not about sex -- but you know it’s about sex.” This led to me solemnly running a series of searches of phrases like “ASMR naked” and “ASMR bang fest,” leading to no results except the quiet satisfaction that comes from knowing you have caused one hell of a search term aberration.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve searched for, on the not-sexy or sexy-internet? Are you from Russia? DO YOU KNOW WHAT A GAY RAINCOAT IS?
Take it the comments, then we’ll take it to the streets.
* Which you kind of have to applaud -- no muss, no fuss, in Iran. Straaaaaight to the pussy.
** I have never been there.