Sweet Nothings Necklace $40

I love these dirty necklaces from "In God We Trust" -- I already have the "Fuck My Face" one and I buy them for everybody's birthday. I think I'd like one of the pictured ones like "Eat a Dick" or "Kiss Me Where I Pee" next, but there are tamer options as well.

Rude Vintage Print Cushion, $105

Similar to the necklaces, this pillow looks sweet but says something dirty. My favorite combo!

The nJoy Pure Wand, $110

I lost mine! Please fill the steel G-spot dildo-shaped hole in my life.

BUST Magazine Subscription $19.95

My alma mater and favorite magazine always needs your support! Give the gift of a subscription... TO ME, since I no longer write for the mag and get it for free.

"Teach Me a Lesson" Spanking Ruler, $13

Like the grown-up, sexy version of the paddle my parents had on the wheel with me and my brother's names on them. Could keep it under the bed or hang it on the wall.

The Only Coke I Do is Diet Tee $40

So far, the new line of clothing from Sober is Sexy isn't really my style -- I don't really wear T-shirts -- but I love the slogan on this one and will wear to represent sexy sobriety.

Bliss spa certificate

If there's a Bliss spa in your town, a gift certificate there is a can't-fail gift. I usually go for a facial and massage (they have HEATED TABLES), but you can also go for manicures, waxing and other body treatments.

A pin-up photography session at Shameless Photography, $400-900

The awesome Sophie Spinelle treats you to a day of glamour including pin-up hair, makeup and wardrobe, before shooting some amazing keepsake pictures. I'd love to do it again.

"Hos, Hookers Call Girls & Rent Boys: Professionals Writing on Life, Love, Money and Sex," $15.95

I love books about sex work, and this one includes an essay from my friend and xo writer Melissa Petro.

Kimchi Blue heel in Blue $79

I'm a sucker for a tall, glittery heel. What could be sexier than both towering and sparkling?

Pin-up Vibe + Bombshell Balm, $30

Will buy anything with pin-up packaging, including this retro vibe and lube.

On The Dot iPhone Case by Kate Spade  $35

Polka dots! Another perfect mix of sexy and sweet.

Sephora Favorites Fragrance Sampler, $50

This Sampler includes 12 best-selling fragrances including my faves Clinique Happy and Marc Jacobs Daisy, along with a voucher that you can trade in for a full-size bottle of your favorite. Interactive! Fun!

Dirty Dolls Curvaceous Cleavage Corselette in Tea Rose, $70 and Tap Pant, $28

All the cute burlesque girls in Brooklyn rock Dirty Dolls, and I love this hott but full-coverage set. Modeled by Hazel Honeysuckle.

Lolita Dress from Bettie Page Clothing $134

Is this sexy? Maybe not, but it's called the "Lolita Dess" and I want it.

Nippies Candy Pink Feather Pasties, $32

Because why not?

Kiss Lock bags by Lux De Ville, $87

Lux De Ville makes the sexiest pin-up bags big enough to fit a Hitachi Magic Wand inside. Which, incidentally, also makes an excellent christmas gift at $54.

Glasses Necklace Large by Tatty Devine, $56

Satisfy the fantasies of all those glasses fetishists out there without govering up your gorgeous face.

Wish You Were Here Pin-up Sheet Set from Sin in Linen, $69-$129

My cat finally clawed an older set of pin-up sheets from Sin in Linen to shreds, so I could use an update.

Bunnies Nesting Dolls, $120

Vintage Playboy bunnies are always a great decor choice.

Reading is Sexy shirt by Sarah Utter, $14.95

I already have this shirt. I just think you should, too.

Skinny Dip Soap, $18.95

Four individually packaged bars of soap featuring a different nudie pic on each. Clean, dirty, it's all the same.

Candyprints "Let's Fuck" Chocolates, $7

Why not just say what you mean when it comes to giving candy?