I Can't Find A Friend With Benefits To Save My Life -- What Am I Doing Wrong?

Seriously, how hard could it be to find a f*&#-buddy?

May 14, 2013 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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For a while (like, longer than I want to admit), I've been like: I JUST NEED A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.

I finally decided to take action. So I put up a Craigslist ad in New York. I got lots of dick pics. I got my ad removed four times because people thought it was fake (probably, y'know the guys who send dick pics reported it because I never replied to them -- LOSERS).

Had one good hit. A nice guy named Doug. We agree to meet for a cocktail, me and Doug (who was 10+ years younger). Cocktails great, talk is good, vibe is there. He's not sexually charged or someone who is going to seduce me and curl my toes at the right time, but he could do. And in his email he went on and on about his oral skills.

Ok, let's give him a whirl. So I invite him back to my place. We sit awkwardly for a while and then I sort of blurt out, "Dude, what's your move?"

LIKE: BE A MAN, MAKE THE MOVE. It gets awkward for a minute or TEN and then suddenly he's pushing me up against a wall, and I'm thinking, OK THIS CAN WORK. So we end up in the sack and his oral skills are lacking.

Like, the dude STOPS just as he should be getting started. I literally said, "You're kidding, right? Don't stop." (Um. Maybe I should have more grace and tact in bed? But really, this kid just STOPPED all proud of himself like he had skillz. He did not have SKILLZ.)

So we progress on, and then suddenly BAM he can't get it up (it had been up, something flipped in his head.) And he apologizes and says he can't do this and, oh, he's so sorry and WHAT THE FUCK. I'm literally laying there naked for the taking and this kid is like: Sorry, byeeeee.

I never hear from Doug again. So I move onto Nerve. Few good hits. Cocktails with a few guys, and then there's one who seems like he's OK. He's game. I tell him -- straight up -- just FWB as I like to call them. He's in. He comes over. We watch some TV. He plays with my cats. He doesn't make a move.

He's another one who is 10+ years younger (where are the randy, can'- keep-their-hands-off-you guys I keep hearing about? 'Cause these boys are LAME). We finally end up in bed. His skills are -- how do i put this? PAINFUL. Like, the guy has STRONG hands and isn't using them correctly. UGH. I'll spare you the details.

But then, GET THIS, like, just as things are getting interesting, and I'm getting him to ease up his grip, he pulls away and gives me this (trying-to-be) coy smile and says, "Let's just keep teasing each other."

///record scratch EXCUSE ME?

You just stuck your hand down my pants and you JUST WANT TO PLAY? No dude. FWB. I came for the full meal, not the appetizer. Like, he was just a little boy who thought he could experiment or some shit. 

So I basically kicked him out of bed and was like SEE YOU BYE. Never heard from him again. That was all a few months ago. Went back to Nerve recently and came across this guy who is seriously a cross between Brad Pitt and Che Guevera and that's OK WITH ME.

But here's the thing, we email and text and have great banter. He's down with my FWB prop, but he will not for his life make a cocktail or coffee date. He keeps texting me in the middle of the night like "come over."

DUDE, I don't know you; you're a stranger; what if we don't click and you're crazy and rape me? He doesn't seem to get this. He could be a great FWB, but he's a fucking idiot. Finally, a few nights ago I called him on it.

"Enough games, Che. Let's meet for a cocktail tomorrow and see if there's chemistry. Unless you're all text, no action? It's your move. I'm ready to play ball."

What did I get in reply to that? Big fat nothing. Not a peep. He's all text, no action all right.

What. An. Idiot.

So tell me xoJane, what am I doing wrong?

I'm cute, foxy, and UP FOR IT (well, I'm not inviting strangers over) but I can't get a FWB to save my life. Maybe I'm going about this wrong? Any words of wisdom? 'Cos really I need one. I don't want a boyfriend (I don't have time), and this shouldn't be so hard.