FOOD AS SEX TOYS: Pizza Was Only the Beginning

As far as I'm concerned, ANY food can be a sex toy if you try hard enough and believe in yourself.

Mar 18, 2014 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

I think most of us here at xoJane agree that pizza is everything. Father, Smith, Warrior, Mother, Maiden, Crone, Stranger. I am its and it is mine until the end of our days. But a brave man has taken it one step further and made pizza his sex toy. Cosmo writer Mark Shrayber recounts the incident:

We started out slow by trying to feed each other the pizza, breaking off tiny bits and putting them in each other's mouths, then doing our best to chew and swallow sexily. For me, that meant doing it with my mouth closed and keeping direct eye contact. At one point I also engaged in a bit of dirty talk, telling my partner to "chew that pizza. Chew it like you mean it. Yeah, that's how. Now swallow," but he put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, informing me that there's a time and place to give orders in the bedroom and while someone is trying to masticate a piece of pizza isn't it. OK, bossy.

Shrayber is hardly a pioneer though. One man recently complained to Domino's about his burnt member after making savory love to one of their pizzas. Another young man who goes by VERSACEPOCKETS recently posted a Vine of himself boning a Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket. (I would have gone for a Philly Cheese Croissant Pocket, but not everyone has my impossibly high standards.) Sadly, love is a one-way street for VERSACEPOCKETS as his antics lead to him being blocked by @hotpockets. That's basically an internet restraining order. Rough.

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Hello, soldier.

But why should we stop at pizza? As far as I'm concerned, ANY food can be a sex toy if you try hard enough and believe in yourself. I've compiled a list of foods to get you started, but this is in no way a comprehensive round up. Feel free to add to it in the comments! Get creative! Have fun! Get messy! 

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I'm just so turned on by this cupcake.

Bugles

Put them on your fingers like fake nails and dig in to your partner during moments of passion or use them to sensually scribe your name somewhere on your partner's body. If they keep falling off, secure them with cream cheese. 

Grapes

Grapes have long been considered a sensual food. Remember that episode of "Boy Meets World" when Cory tried to seduce Topanga with grapes on the bed? Impress your partner by showing them how many you can fit in your mouth at once. My record is 21! When you inevitably start choking your partner will be forced to pull you in for a super sexy Heimlich. Take advantage of the intimate embrace and let things transition from there.

Fruit by the Foot

Not only do these bring back a flood of childhood memories, they make a great bondage tape as well! Wrap your lover's limbs in strawberry scented (OR BLUE TIE-DYE) restaints and have your way with them. Guaranteed to be some of the most nostalgic love-making you've ever experienced. Until the ants come.

Peanut Butter and Raisins

Speaking of ants!

Make ants on a log but sub celery for dick. Your man will love feeling you tenderly nibble raisins off of him.

Peanut butter can also be used as a delicious body paint! Paint it on and lick it off. Just be sure no one is allergic. We're not interested in that kind of swelling!

Red Vines

If your partner has a penis, wrap a Red Vine around it and try to untie it with your tongue. Or you can share one, Lady and the Tramp style.

Lunchables

If you're feeling a little dominant, grab some Lunchables and tell your partner exactly how you want them stacked. Discipline them with a red vine if they get the order wrong. "I said CHEESE-TURKEY-CHEESE-HAM damn it!" *whip*

Cereal

Grab some Honey Nut Cheerios and see if your partner can give you a big O before the little o's get soggy. If he/she fails, they have to eat the soggy cereal.

Fondue

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Just bring all this into the bedroom.

A sense of peril can really spice things up. Balancing a pot of hot oil or cheese on your bed while naked adds an element of excitement to otherwise dull sack sessions. Challenge your partner to feed you bits of food dripping with scalding liquids without burning your quivering, naked flesh. Have him or her kiss any boo-boos (third degree burns) better.

Bananas Foster

More fire. Isn't fire the sexiest? What could be hotter to a man than a phallic-shaped fruit that is doused in sugar, butter, and rum and then set ablaze? The imagery of this erotic fruit burning will foreshadow what's in store for him later. (Chlamydia maybe?)

Any Canned Pillsbury Product

Fleshlights can be expensive. Save your dollars and pop open a can of Pillsbury cinnamon roles, squeeze in some frosting (warm it first for a tactile treat) and give your man a sweet dough job.

Wow. Who's turned on?

Hopefully this will serve to get your creative (and other) juices flowing allowing you to invent your own erotic food toys.

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It's hard to tell what's hotter, my tights or my snack.

The bed room is your oyster.