Everybody's Hooking Up With Their Co-Workers; My Total At The New York Post Is 5 Guys, 1 Girl

Wait, we're not counting Fox News, right?

May 31, 2013 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

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Look, it's me at my current job. Not fucking anybody!

Confidential to any employee of News Corp.: Stop guessing who the chick is. It's not who you think. Nope. Not her. Not her either. No, not even her. Definitely not her. What? She's a born-again Christian. You're crazy.

OK, I didn't sleep with five guys. I slept with three of them. Four if you count 69-ing and a failed threeway. I don't. And what constitutes actual sex with a woman anyway? Do I need to have actually fucked her with a dildo? Is scissoring enough?

I'm never clear on that one.

One dude was a really sweet man who to this day I don't know what his name is.

Like, zero idea.

Saw him a million times after that. Still. I got nothing.

It happened one night at, like, 4 a.m. at Langan's, the bar where everyone from the Post hangs out and gets shit-hammered. At some point, I blearily reached over and kissed Sweet Nice Whatzhisface as he sat on the bar stool next to me. Then I slurringly asked him to come home with me. Because he is not an asshole predatory creep who takes advantage of drunk girls, he declined.

I love that guy.

Anyway, I'm writing about all of this because a new study just came out that said everyone is totally doing one another in the workplace. Here's the breakdown from the study, conducted by Business Insider:

  • 55% said they had sex with multiple coworkers over the years.
  • 14% said they had slept with the boss.
  • Almost 85% said they felt sex between coworkers is fine.
  • 64% said hooking up with someone in a subordinate position was not okay.
  • More than 90% said they had been attracted to a coworker.
  • 84% said they had sex dreams about a work colleague.
  • 64% admitted to having hit on a coworker.
  • 75% said they had experienced sexual advances at work.
  • 5% said they quit a job to engage in a relationship with a coworker.
  • 4% said they had to quit their job because of sexual tension.

I think this sounds just fine. At my current job there is one guy that I flirt with, sometimes. But my New Year's Half-Way Through the Year Resolution is not to waste time with guys where they essentially make you ask them out.

So I see that one as dead in the water. There are a lot of really hot guys at my current job, though. But I don't really know any of their names.

Confidential to any employee of Say Media: I'm probably not talking about you so get over yourself. Just kidding, everyone who works here is insanely attractive, so I'm definitely talking about you.

Which brings us back to screwing around in the workplace.

It can be really fun!

I once started a game with one of the dudes I fooled around with at the Post where we had sex in his office. I guess that's not really a game. That's just sex in the office.

We got Monopoly. We got Backgammon. We got your basic fucking on a desk.

Confidential to any employee of News Corp.: Seriously. It is. Not. Who. You. Think. Not that guy either. Nope, sorry. What? I would never do that guy. Anyway, guess you'll never know. I'm so mysterious, RIGHT?

I told the dude who I boned in his office to help me be sexier. That was fun. I let my blouse fall and asked, "What about this? Do you think this is hot?" There's something about the tension and intensity of establishing exactly what is happening that is like a million little orgasms at once in your brain and body.

Another guy I had a fling with I started a kissing game with him around the building. I was always the "let's play a game" girl. I call it the "Slumber Party Girl" phenomenon. Everything's a game! Who wants to play Truth or Dare? What about Light as a Candle, Stiff as a Board? Anyone? Anyone?

I once started a game of freeze-tag in the fifth-grade around the entire schoolyard. It was pretty fun -- until we got detention. SQUARES.

So the kissing game was pretty easy. We found different secret locations here and there. A stairwell. Another stairwell. Stairwells.

It's fun to fool around with co-workers. It never impacted any of my working relationships. We still supported each other and fought with each other and stood for what we thought was right with each other and told each other when we thought we were failing.

Sometimes it was hard to understand what with a dick in the mouth and all but...

JK, guys! Seriously. Big JK right there. Like a solid 9 inches of JK.

Part of the ability to not have it impact working relations might be my disconnect between love and sex. Another part might be just being a grown-up. No drama. Never worth it.

EXCEPT IN THE BEDROOM AM I RIGHT.

Anyway.

I had a friend once theorize that the media industry is completely propelled on sexual tension alone. I would give this theory a +1 on Klout for awesome exactly dead-on nailed it ideas.

I do think that having a lusty personality can sometimes translate over to the workplace. There's a large sensory-stimulation component to media which often attracts people who, to phrase it scientifically, really love to fuck.

But hell, according to this survey, maybe anyone who has a job likes to fuck. Because there's a lot of fucking going on in the workplace.

What about you? Do you have a workplace romance? Have you ever? Are you having sex right now? Please be sure to comment if you answered "yes" to that last one. And get really graphic, too. TGIF!

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