I am 99 percent sure I'm awesome in bed. Maybe it's because I started early, losing my virginity a few weeks after I turned 13, and practiced often, thus completing Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hours required for mastery and expertise. Or maybe it's because for better or worse, I've always prioritized that shit -- while other girls were learning, I don't know, algebra, I was discovering the power of a sloppy blowjob.
I once had a boyfriend tell me, "A lot of girls give out blowjobs as a treat You just give them out, like gum." This is probably why the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" has been on every mix tape ever made for me and also why I still don't understand algebra. It's definitely why, while there are some genres of sex I am still iffy about (being on top -- bounce? thrust? sit straight up? lean forward? I give up, just flip me over please), I am completely confident in my overall abilities. I like to fuck and it shows. I am enthusiastic, joyful, passionate, hungry. And like I said, I give head like Baryshnikov dances. Then again, EVERYONE SAYS THAT.When I was young, I used to brag about my oral sex skills after too many cocktails on dates, which ugh, get some accomplishments, but 90 percent of the time, the gross Nerve date I was out with would say something like, "EVERY GIRL says they're great at oral sex." A completely professional email chain around the xoJ offices proves this to be true around the office at least, although I think our sample is skewed by the fact that we're all a bunch of exceptional sluts. You can't deepthroat a banana around here without somebody coming along with pointers. But in general, according to this recent sex survey and its criteria I don't really understand, people overestimate their bedroom abilities. Well, what is really says is that 3/4 of people self-report as "better than average" in bed, which by the definition of average, is impossible. Sex is like the equivalent of those 10,000 "American Idol" auditioners who all think they can sing -- some of us are ending up on the bloopers reel. And on the receiving end, I've repeatedly experienced the keen disappointment of the guy who lures you into bed with promises of extreme world-rocking only to deliver a sub-par performance. Since there's also this study that says the key factor in whether or not women will accept a proposal for casual sex is how skilled they believe their partner will be, this bait and switch maneuver seems especially cruel.
I mean, ultimately, "sexual skill" isn't some objective quantity -- it's a chemical voodoo fermented by some mysterious combination of people. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. But some people have got to definitively SUCK in bed, right? Because they're lazy or selfish or just doing things in a way that no portion of the population finds pleasurable? Or is it all subjective?And if you KNEW you were bad in bed, wouldn't you just, like, work on it? Does that mean everybody who sucks in bed actually thinks they're doing just great? And if that's true, CAN ANYTHING BE CERTAIN? Maybe everything I've ever believed about my sexual prowess is a lie. I'm basing it mostly on good reviews and repeat customers, but it's not like anybody tells you when you suck at sex. Maybe I should get one of those "Ring if your service was great" bells in my bedroom like that they have at some Arby's. Let's break this shit down: Do you think you're good in bed? If not, do you care? Is anybody else maybe just too lazy to be on top?