I don't even know what to say anymore, guys. I do my best to steer you well through the murky waters of the River Erotica. Even without a degree in Sexology, I've thought of myself as a plucky, self-trained sex ninja, ala Anya on this season of "Project Runway," who's only been sewing for FOUR MONTHS.
But everything I thought I knew about sex has been upended, since apparently the above look is NOT SEXY.
OK, so I knew it wasn't sexy. But it is warm, my top priority between the months of October and March, in which my reptilian nature takes over and keeps me in a state of perma-shiver basically 24 hours a day. But especially at night, especially in the bed.
The penguin thing started when I noticed, while playing the Penguin Slide game from Wii Fit, that my Wii Me looked downright adorable in a little penguin suit.
"Goddamn, I make a cute penguin," I said to myself and the cat, and promptly decided to dress up in a full penguin suit for Halloween. I was hoping people would hug me.
But seeing as I have always kind of hated Halloween for being a holiday in which you have to do so much work just to get drunk, I never actually got around to dressing up as a penguin.
Hence, the penguin outfit, which my boyfriend gave me for Christmas last year. But if it's not the penguin suit, it's the flannel pajamas layered under a sweater layered under a bulky robe with wool socks. In short, all of my winter sleeping gear is less than seductive.
So I suppose I was not shocked when the boyfriend ever so tentatively suggested that although he wants me to be warm in the bed, the clothing I wear there may not be conducive to lovemaking.
It took a lot of courage to make that statement, so I will accept it in the spirit in which it was intended. In his defense, I have yet to find the porno hideyhole on the Internet dedicated to women in woolen shapeless sweaters over flannel pajamas.
My therapist (a MAN of course) seems to think that I may somehow be deliberately sabotaging my sex life by wearing overly frumpy things to bed. But actually I am just. so. cold. Can any man truly understand the frigidity of a woman's extremities in the winter?
And how am I to reconcile my need for complete warmth in the winter time with my desire to possibly have sex again? Is there any such thing as an outfit that is both hot and HOT? Or do I just need to go to bed naked and trust the fire of our loins to keep me warm?