I'm Trying Out Some Aphrodisiac Foods To See If They Make Me Want to BONE

I am going to have a go on some of the more conventionally known aphrodisiac foods this week to see whether they make me DTF.

May 29, 2013 at 1:30pm | Leave a comment

image

 

Out go Pretzel Flipz and Baby Ruth bars...in come asparagus and strawberries. GOD, I'LL BE SO HEALTHY!

I always had a really high sex drive, from the moment I popped my cherry a week before my 18th birthday, through my "Slag Years," to my first serious boyfriend. In meeting my manpanion, I finally found a match for my voracious carnal appetite. We used to bone all day, erry'day -- in the car, on the floor, in the shower, on the sofa, in the bathroom, in other people's beds (sorry), at parties, on golf courses, while the dog watched, against glass windows in hotel rooms, out of windows, you name it, we did it. 

The first few months were essentially just an extended lesson in swapping bodily fluids. IT WAS GREAT. All we'd have to do was look at each other and the clothes would be off and we'd be banging buck wild.

The fact that both of us had such high sex drives meant that we didn't get a whole lot else done -- I pulled A LOT of sickies in the first year we "dated." I remember once I bunked off work and we boned 13 times that day. THIRTEEN. How I wasn't a walking yeast infection I do not know.

ANYWAY. Four years, a contraceptive implant, a bout of illness and a shitload of prescription drugs later (steroids are the devil), my libido struggled and died a tiny death. Not a complete death -- we still enthusiastically bone at least once or twice a week, but I really want to get back to that careless abandon and want to throw my knickers off all the time and make the beast with two backs on the reg.Usually, being the pig that I am, food and shagging do not go hand in hand. When we go out for dinner, I'll usually stuff myself so much that I basically have to be rolled home like Violet Beauregarde and then fall straight asleep. I AM SUCH A BAD GIRLFRIEND! 

However, times are going to change, people! In the name of SCIENCE, I am going to have a go on some of the more conventionally known aphrodisiac foods this week to see whether they make me DTF.

Here's what I'll be chowing down on for the foreseeable:

Strawberries

image

 

Like fruity little nipples.

Strawberries I can get behind. They are tasty, portable, you can get laces that taste of them and they look like boobs if you look hard enough. They have a shit load of vitamin C and potassium, folic acid and some iron and fibre, so "strawberries can aid in boosting an otherwise lacklustre libido by providing essential vitamins and minerals needed to supply energy and keep the fires burning."

They're nice chucked in a glass of bubbly too, which is obviously a bonus as everyone knows that getting drunk = knicker removal.

Asparagus

image

 

Phallic!

An asparagus spear looks a bit like a penis, which I suppose could be quite sexy if you had a really tiny, narrow vagina. They are a great source of potassium, fibre, vitamin B6, vitamins A and C, and thiamin and folic acid. In my extensive research (thanks, Google!) I found out that folic acid helps boost histamine production which helps both sexes orgasm! Now I know that, I am flushing all my anti-histamines down the toilet. Seriously!

I actually really like asparagus, although not as much as Chris, who notifies me after every time he eats it that they give him "asparagus wees." Sexy!

Honey

image

 

Mmmmm. Ooozy.

FACT ALERT! The term “honeymoon” comes from an ancient tradition of couples disappearing off on their own and drinking a honey concoction until the first new moon of their marriage, because it was thought to promote "sexual vigour."

Honey is kind of sexy -- the way it oozes everywhere and is just asking to be licked off something. It is rich in B vitamins and amino acid which makes you able to go at it for longer. Plus: tastes nice! I might have it in my tea, instead of sugar. Fuck my teeth, my fanny needs me!

Oysters

Every time I've eaten oysters in the past, I have actually felt quite sexy -- but mainly because they make me feel rich and feeling rich makes me turned on. I'm so simple!  Oysters (and other less sexy molluscs) are full of rare amino acids that trigger increased levels of sex hormones, and  have a high zinc content, which helps produce sperm and increases libido. I don't produce sperm, but if I did I'd definitely be testing it to see if I made more after eating some. That's how science works, right?

Anyway, I don't really know how I'm going to work these into my mid-week dinners, but where there's a will there's a way. I have to ignore the fact that they look and taste like snot wearing crash helmets.

image

 

Deepthroating an oyster action shot.

So. This little lot should keep me busy. I'll report back with my findings soon. 

Do you reckon these foods are aphrodisiacs, or do you think it's a load of hooey? Got any top tips for feeling turned on and fabulous? 

Natalie tweets over at @Natalie_KateM