Eating Big Meals on Dates is 100% The Sexxx: Why We All Need to Date Anthony Bourdain

Be still my beating vagina.

Mar 11, 2013 at 12:30pm | Leave a comment

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There are so, so many photos of me eating on the internet. 

You may have worked out that I really fucking love a good meal. I also love a good snack, a good photo of food, a good piece of writing about food and especially a good programme about food.

Our Sky+ at home is crammed with episodes of "Man v Food," "The Barefoot Contessa" and "Masterchef." There is no greater pleasure on this earth to me than stepping out of a scalding hot bath, pulling on my onesie -- hot off the radiator -- and then settling down on the sofa to watch some kind of gratuitous food-related TV show.  

Another of my favourites is Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations," where he travels around and eats questionable things in different countries and does it all with that air of not really giving a shit too much, and delivering everything in that dead manly voice. He is something of a sex symbol, if not for the world, then at least in the xoJane offices (*cough* EMILY *cough*)  and my house. That craggy face, the strong jaw, THE HEIGHT! 6"4.5 according to the internet which we all know is 100% true, 100% of the time.

I have therefore never been happier, and more turned on, than when this article was brought to my attention.

In a sex tip feature for Cosmo, Bourdain (such a sexy surname! So French! So sensuous!) lays down what he thinks is the sexiest thing you can do on a date is. Is it going commando? No. Eating a cherry and then knotting the stalk with your tongue? Think again.

The sexiest thing you can do on a date with this man mountain of restaurant knowledge is chow on down.

"A perfect date is with a person who eats without fear, prejudice, or concerns about his or her appearance. I remember one of my first dates with my wife: She ordered a six-pound lobster. I sat there, enraptured, watching her suck every bit of meat from it — she got a standing ovation from the floor staff. She's the kind of woman who will order filet mignon as an appetizer followed by a T-bone steak. Her fearless, open-minded approach to food is completely alluring."

Ugh, I die. That paragraph is poetry to my eyes. As a self-confessed foodie, I will never be able to be delicate and restrained around food. I can't help myself but order the biggest portions when we are at a restaurant, simply because I have the fear of missing out, and still being hungry at the end. The fact that Chris will 80% of the time have to finish what's on my plate is neither here nor there. I just want EVERYTHING.

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STEAK! And fries! And wierd stringy onion things!

Most dates we went on back in the early days involved food. The very first day we met he bought me a burger and chips in a local pub, which the waiter dropped on the floor as he bought it out. When I got my replacement burger, I was so hungry that I basically inhaled it in about 4.5 seconds. Right from the very beginning he knew I loved my food.

Following dates involved fish and chips eaten on my bed, smothered in gravy. I remember the first time we held hands was on the way to KFC to get a Bargain Bucket at 11 am when they opened. Before he went away for 4 months he took me to a sushi restaurant, and then decided it was too expensive so we went to an All-You-Can-Eat pizza buffet instead. If you take me to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, I will get my money's worth. 

I never worried whether eating made me look gluttonous. I liked eating ALL THE FOOD too much to care.

I could never be one of the people who pretends not to eat, and picks at a salad on a date and sips on wine instead. Although that's cool, too -- each to their own!

Bourdain also offered up his choice of what foods are the most "tent-pitching" (to steal Annie K's phrase!) should you ever be lucky enough to find yourself in the same food-related venue as him:

PEACHES

They're beautiful objects with so much flavor and juice. Damn sexy. 

PASTA 

The Italians have it exactly right: a big family-style, eat-when-it's-ready meal.

LOBSTER 

Because eating with your hands is incredibly sensual.

CAVIAR 

A woman eating fish eggs? Oh my god, sexy. 

BBQ 

I'm not saying eating barbecue is the way to achieve world peace, but it won't hurt. 

RAGU 

A simmering red sauce and hunk of meat: smells, sounds, and tastes good cooking. 

STEAK 

Animal protein is a beautiful thing. 

KOREAN-AMERICAN 

Current obsession: raw beef with uni (sea urchin), served on a shiso leaf.

This is all too much for me. I'm off to make a BBQ steak ragu with lobster and tagliatelle and a caviar topping followed by peaches, photograph myself eating it and tweet 100 photos of it to Anthony.

What do you think? Would you be happy to eat a big, sloppy meal on a date? Or are you more dainty with your restaurant choices? Do you agree with me and Emily that Anthony Bourdain would get all the best moves? TALK AT ME.

Yappin' over on Twitter: @Natalie_KateM