I could write about how I lost my virginity and cried for days, feeling awful. I could write about how I am a total slut now and no one can stop me from doing me. I could write about how having drunk sex in a bathroom made me feel shitty.
But I'd be telling lies. I'm perfectly okay with all three of the above statements. I absolutely was the girl that had drunk sex in a random bathroom, but I did not leave feeling shitty afterwards. I left feeling empowered and closer to my God.
This decision was one of the many bad ones I made under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I chose not to listen to my friends who told me I needed to stop. I was happy, I was drunk, and I was finding the attention I was seeking every time I woke up in another random guy's bed. Pulling my boobs out, wearing the tightest pair of leggings to show off my butt, lacing up my Converse, and drinking vodka, I set off on the greatest conquest of my sexually liberated phase.
There I was, completely lost in all the attention, all the guys staring at me while sitting on the counter, that I didn't realize someone grabbed my hand until I was halfway into the bathroom.
There I was, laughing and talking to him as he kissed my neck and reached under my shirt to feel me up. I was still engaging as he reached down my pants and moaned "babe" in my ear. I fully understood when he pulled me off the counter and onto the toilet and 100% okay with what happened next.
Thirty minutes later, my best friend and I laughed over what just happened as I pulled my hair up into a bun, ran cold water over my face, and adjusted my bra. We re-entered the party as casually as we could (after all everyone knew what just occurred back there). I laughed and drank some more without a care as to what people were saying about me. An hour later the party was over and I was led out and into the snow by the same guy I had just spent a lot of time with in the bathroom. We went back to his place and I think you know what happened.
Why is any of this important? It's important because that night in the bathroom and then again in his bedroom changed my life. Not only did it make me realize that I do not have to sleep around to be cool, but it made me closer to God.
Yes, you read that correctly. People said whatever they wanted for a few days following the incident, but I just rolled with it. I didn't look at him let alone talk to him and he didn't acknowledge me either. We both knew it was just a hook-up and nothing more.
A few weeks later and after my phase of "whoring around," I decided to go see the school counselor. You see, I was not actually happy and drinking was the only thing that made feel happy. When the counselor told me I needed to stop or she was going to put me on antidepressants, I decided to change my ways.
I stopped drinking. For the first few weekends it was hard. I felt out-of-place being sober, but I was still able to have fun. Not drinking led to not sleeping around. I was no longer dressing to impress the opposite sex. Instead I was dressing to be comfortable (if I was going to be out all night I sure as hell wasn't going to do it in a Lilly Pulitzer dress, but instead a t-shirt).
I was out at a party soon after, sober, standing on a wall, and watching random guys ask random girls to dance when I realized that was not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be someone who stayed loyal to herself but more importantly loyal to my future partner.
I hung up the alcohol and tight dresses in exchange for the Bible and Jesus.
Instead of spending my nights out dancing in the midst of drunken college students, I'm spending my time in my dorm room, painting, reading scripture, and shopping for the promise ring I will soon buy myself. I started reading a book titled Popular and writing bible verses on my hand at every chance I got, but I also started finding myself. I was rediscovering the little things that I'd fallen out of touch and learning to love them again.
I was finding the best version of me through Him.
This whole experience made me realize that my year and a half relationship with God is way more important than any one-night stand I will ever experience. I may have cheated on Him and broke His heart, but He forgave me and welcomed me back with open arms. And that is exactly what I did as well.
I forgave myself not because I was embarrassed by what I had done, but because I knew it was not who I wanted to be. As I finish up my freshman year of college, I hold my head high, I don't put up with any bullshit from any of the guys who try to make a pass at me, and mainly I hold myself accountable for the things I've done or will do. Not everyone is perfect and everyone will sin, but God forgave me and will continue to forgive me and that's what I need the most. The experience didn't ruin my life; it just changed it for the better and that is something I will be forever grateful for.
I may have been "that girl" for a few consecutive nights, and I also may have been the girl to sloppily sleep with a random football player in someone else's bathroom. What I learned about myself throughout this time though is that I didn't have to be "that girl" if I didn't want to be.
God used my experience to make me a better person and honestly if that's the only thing I remember from that night, I'm okay with it.